The Advice Huckster

Dear Amy: My boyfriend and I were watching my 5-year-old niece. She came to me and told me that my boyfriend said he was going to punch her in the nose. I know that when my boyfriend is playing with the kids he plays around and says things, but he is adamant that he didn't say that.

I spoke with my niece's parents, and we chalked it up as a misunderstanding.

But now my boyfriend does not want her playing with him, and he refuses to watch her unless someone is with him every minute.

He is in law enforcement and says he sees things like this all the time, situations in which a kid accuses an adult of doing something and the adult gets in trouble. His exact words were, "God forbid she said I touched her."

I don't know how to get him to understand that she is a 5-year-old kid with a vivid imagination, and I feel this might be the end of our relationship.

—Helpless and Clueless

Dear Helpless: Most of what young children say has some basis in reality. You should believe your niece but also assume that perhaps your boyfriend was horsing around and that his statement was taken out of context.

Your boyfriend is the adult in this scenario, and it is his job to put things in perspective.

Being in law enforcement, he should be more—not less—understanding about this incident. The fact that he is so punitive and blames a 5-year-old for this incident highlights his own immaturity.

I do agree with him about this one thing, however: He should not be alone with your niece because he can't be trusted to treat her well.

Oh, for f#%^$ sake, Amy, you're just proving the dude's point. Since when are children considered little paragons of virtue, unable to tell anything but the truth? Are they incapable of lying? I'm not talking about embellishing the truth, I'm talking about outright lying. Is that really so unheard of? Come on. The guy's fears -- while a tad paranoid -- are understandable.

My niece and son were sitting on the living room sofa watching The Cat in the Hat one Saturday morning a couple of years ago. I go out to walk the dogs and come back to find my son sitting on the floor, rubbing his head, crying. I ask what happened. My son says his cousin hit him. I ask my niece if this was true. She says she didn't, that he just fell.

Eventually (after getting my sister-in-law involved), my niece admits she hit him, but that was because they were watching a scene in The Cat in the Hat where the kids were hitting each other and supposedly my son thought it looked like fun and asked his cousin to hit her. So she did.

So we review the movie. No such scene.

Lookit Amy, a kid, lying! No basis in reality whatsoever. Some kids lie. Hate to break it to you, but there it is. Not all of them of course, but some. By assuming there was a basis in truth in the little girl's "He punched me in the nose" comment, Amy's just proving this guy's point. God forbid the little girl said he touched her no-no spot. Amy would assume there would be a kernal of truth to that, as well, and sic the cops on this guy.

This probably doesn't help . . . .

2008-05-15T17:30:00.001-04:00

Carolyn:

I'm about 13 weeks pregnant with my first baby, VERY excited about the baby but panicking about the pregnancy itself. Stretch marks, weight gain, nausea, etc. It terrifies me that I won't recognize my body (and that my husband won't, either). Help!!

Early Pregnancy Freak-Out

At 13 weeks any nausea is behind you, so now it's about stretch marks, weight gain, heartburn.

It'll still be your body, though, and it's doing a very cool thing, so sit back and enjoy it (though eventually you may need a hand getting back up). I appreciate that the sh-word is evil, but your husband should appreciate your body's amazing and, honestly, beautiful transformation with you. The best way to ensure a mate does this is to choose a good one, and so I guess all you can do now is hope you did.

Your attitude will help, by the way, in the same way that a confident woman is prettier than one who is constantly worried about her butt size, even if Woman 2 has a smaller, shapelier butt. More magic, less takeover by alien being.

And stay away from freak-out-fueling pregnancy books and Web sites. Trust your OB and your judgment.

This probably doesn't help, but this letter reminded me of these two postcards from this week's PostSecret:

I'll never truly appreciate the sense of dread that a woman must fear upon becoming pregnant, both because I'll never be pregnant, but also because as a man, my sense of self-image was less dependent on my physical appearance (although it was still a factor) than a woman's self-image might be. That's just societal pressure coming to bear on young, impressionable girls.

Which is why if I ever have any daughters, I'm raising them to be bearded fat ladies at the circus freak show. Really, they're going to have my genes, so they're screwed from the get go. Why fight it?

Carolyn's so smart and sexay.

2008-05-12T18:23:00.002-04:00

This is why Carolyn Hax is the best advice columnist out there. From Friday's Hax chat:

Secular Son in Potomac, Md.: My mother is very religious. Very, very religious. Very, very, very religious. (Dad was similarly devout, but passed away long ago.) I drifted away from the church when I was in high school and have no desire to find my way back and she knows this. When we get together for the holidays, the pre-meal prayer usually includes a word or fifteen about me finding my way back to church.

When my son was born eight years ago, my mother assumed there would be a baptism, in spite of the fact that she knew my wife and I don't attend church. (Yeah, I'm not sure how she thought that was going to happen, either.) My sister assumed there would be a baptism, as well. When I told my sister there wouldn't be, she responded melodramatically, "That's going to kill Mom. KILL HER."

Eight years later, we still haven't baptized our son and Mom is still alive and kicking. That said, she still insists on sending us "Purpose-Driven Life"-ish books on occasion. Earlier this week, Mom sent me an email containing a Bible verse she intended for me to read to my son. (That's not going to happen.)

Asking Mom to stop and reminding her of my choice to raise our son to be agnostic (not atheist) results in crying, wailing, and begging/pleading/nagging for me to go to church. Is ignoring her entreaties to come to Jesus really my only option here? I think it's rather rude and disrespectful to try and force one's religious beliefs on another, but obviously Mom doesn't agree.

Carolyn Hax: She's not going to stop. Presumably she feels she has a duty -not- to stop. So, yes, I think ignoring her entreaties really is the only option, since the alternatives are capitulation, which apparently isn't happening, or estrangement, which neither of you seems to want, which is promising.
I'm curious. How was a baptism to have been arranged, since your rejection of organized religion would have put you in a position either to lie, or to promise to raise your son according to beliefs in which you openly don't believe? Apparently Unitarian Universalist is an option, but are there others?

Unitarian what now? I've never even heard of that.

It should be a job qualification for advice columnists to know . . . stuff. Carolyn rules.

You pay for it one way or another.

2008-05-12T18:20:00.001-04:00

Dear Amy: My son, a high school junior, was invited to the senior prom by a senior girl. They are casual friends, not boyfriend and girlfriend.

Prom tickets are $75 each. My son will be paying for his tux, flowers and a share of the limo. As it is her prom and she invited him, shouldn't she pay for his ticket?

—Perplexed Near Pittsburgh

Dear Perplexed: The person issuing the invitation—whether female or male—should pay for both tickets.

Sometimes, if they are going as friends, the offer to pay for both tickets is met with, "Oh, no—let's at least each pay our own way." This spreads the cost and keeps thing casual.

Proms are expensive. If it's any consolation to you, the girl's expenses will far exceed your son's.

Your son is gonna die alone, lady.

What the hell was that?

2008-05-12T18:17:00.002-04:00

Dear Amy: This presidential campaign has gotten so stupid that I have decided your column is by far the most interesting thing in the paper, and so I have become a devoted reader. But I digress.

My father retired about 20 years ago, and until now he has been happily doing volunteer work.

He had a stroke last May. He walks about half as fast as he once did, and he seems to have trouble using the left side of his body. He was also diagnosed with diabetes.

He has moved from his apartment into a retirement home. He doesn't complain, but during my visit he didn't seem to enjoy himself. He still has an active mind—many of the other residents suffer from Alzheimer's disease or have been seriously impaired by strokes.

I live overseas and would move back right away, but I am seriously worried that if I move back I will have a hard time finding work. My dad says I shouldn't move.

At the same time, Dad seems about as happy in the retirement home as a cat is when bathed—in other words, not at all.

I don't want to bring him to live with me because we could not really provide him with the care he needs.

I need an objective viewpoint about what to do.

—Conflicted Son

Dear Conflicted: I agree that the dumber the political season gets, the more fascinating the real problems of real people seem.

I bet there is a way to improve your dad's quality of life. You should plan an extended visit so you can observe his situation over the course of a couple of weeks.

The retirement home might not be a good fit—or he might simply benefit from switching the location of his room to a section of the home where residents are less impaired.

You should work with the director of the home to see what they can do for him. Your father's health might improve if he has regular social and physical therapy.

Visit all of the assisted-living facilities in your father's area to see if there might be a better place for him. Also, contact his former volunteer coordinator and see if your father can continue his work there in some capacity.

Were the first paragraphs of the letter and Amy's response really necessary? What possible purpose did they serve? It wasn't funny, it didn't add anything to the discussion, it wasn't insightful, and it didn't even advance a particular policitcal view (assuming, of course, that you can't call "apathy and disinterest" a political view).

Amy sucks so much, I can't even begin to tell you.

What time is dinner?

2008-05-12T18:12:00.002-04:00

From yesterday's "Ask Ellie":

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I haven't lived here very long. Our only company is a dear friend, "Sid," who lives nearby. I love to entertain and have guests over, so naturally I invite Sid to dinner quite often.
My problem is Sid never arrives on time for a meal. I usually have to tell him dinner will be ready an hour earlier than it really will be, so he'll show up before it is finished cooking.

I take pride in having everything ready at once for a large meal. When I must keep things warm for an hour or more extra, it not only ruins the mood but the food dries out. At Easter we had Sid over and told him dinner would be at 1 p.m. When I called him at 1:30, he told me he hadn't even showered or shaved yet to come over.

Is there a polite way to show my frustration at Sid's lack of punctuality, or should I stop inviting him to join us for meals? I don't want to be rude. -- FRUSTRATED IN THE KITCHEN

Huh.

I thought "dinner" referred to the evening meal. But dictionary.com says I'm wrong:

din·ner –noun
1. the main meal of the day, eaten in the evening or at midday.
2. a formal meal in honor of some person or occasion.
3. table d'hôte.

I guess all those people who invited me to Christmas "dinners" at 3 pm weren't crazy after all. I take back everything I ever said about you behind your backs.

Sure a sense of humor comes in handy once in a while, but every so often you need to flip people the bird.

2008-05-08T10:45:00.000-04:00

A couple of letters today about couples who have their hands held out at their own weddings. First, from "Ask Amy" we have the ideal reaction. Keep a sense of humor and an open mind about things. Make things fun. Don't always try to see the worst in other people and assume that the bride and groom just want extra presents:

Dear Amy: I'm responding to letters from people who say they are angry about the "shakedown" many wedding showers have become. One writer was concerned because she had been asked not just to bring a gift but to bring a gift basket full of goodies.

Gift baskets can be inexpensive to put together. But there are many items at discount stores and "dollar stores" that would be fun and kitschy to include in a gift basket. People just need to be a little creative!

—Shower Veteran

Dear Veteran: I love your suggestion and agree that a personalized, kitschy gift basket can be quite inexpensive to put together—certainly less expensive than many of the items prospective brides and expectant mothers list on their registries.

Cool. Good.

But sometimes, people are just douchebags and don't deserve the pleasure of your company at their wedding. From today's "Dear Abby":

DEAR ABBY: Two friends of mine are being married. Their wedding will be a potluck. I have never heard of such a thing, and I'm wondering if this means I shouldn't bring a gift.

On top of bringing food, they have also assigned people to various tasks, such as setting up the hall, doing dishes, serving the cake and such. What does a wedding guest do in a situation like this? -- NOT SURE IF I DO

DEAR NOT SURE: It appears this affair is one in which an unusual amount of effort is expected of the "guests." Unless you are prepared to participate fully -- and that includes giving them a small wedding gift -- stay home and watch a rerun of "Father of the Bride."

I'm okay with the potluck (assuming, of course, that the bride and groom aren't registered at Tiffany's). It's the assigning of chores that I find pretty galling.

My thoughts exactly, Wolverine.

Fap fap fap fap fap

2008-05-08T10:30:00.001-04:00

Today's Hax:

Carolyn:

I've been flirting with a guy for the past few months. He's been flirting with me, too. This week I just found out he's 22 -- I'm 32! Neither of us looks our age so it wasn't an issue until now. I think we both still find each other attractive. What are your thoughts on 22-year-old guy with 32-year-old gal? (We have business/education in common.)

Old-Age Dating . . .

Damn, that's hot . . . . :)

My initial thoughts are that your thoughts and his thoughts are the only thoughts that count.

This is even hotter. THIS is why I *heart* Carloyn.

I was about to type "But seriously . . .," when I realized there's really nothing to add. If age becomes an issue, then that just means you're not well matched -- the way any couple isn't well matched. Age doesn't determine maturity, values, interests, chemistry, timing; it merely contributes. Sometimes very little.

So, you get to know each other, you see what happens. A 10-year age difference between two legal adults adds no new feature to the usual weeding-out process.

Divorce and kids

2008-05-08T10:20:00.001-04:00

Is it worse to separate from a partner you don’t love and upset your children, or better to stay together and be unhappy the rest of your life?

- Undecided

Divorce decisions are rarely black and white: Sometimes the children adjust and the parents go on to happier relationships; sometimes, the upheaval for everyone is harder than the family life that preceded it.

You must look at your own individual options more specifically and practically, and not try to make such generalized assumptions. A marriage is always worth giving your best shot before splitting… so, perhaps things would improve if you worked on making yourself happier within it, whether through individual counselling, getting out more with friends, taking courses, changing jobs, etc.

If nothing of the kind helps, then the next step involves talking to your partner about making potential changes together, or pursuing marital therapy.

But if splitting up is the final answer, then all of you including the children, should get some counselling help to adapt to the new situation.

Professional help isn’t a “trendy” approach… it’s a wise way to go through an emotional change with guidance and support. It will help you look at the question you asked, and recognize that only you can find the right answer that fits your own case.

I just want to add one vital bit of opinion that Ellie has failed to mention:

I believe that children will always be better off with happy divorced parents than with married parents who hate it each other.

There's a lot of grey area inbetween those two extremes, which makes divorce such a hard decision when children are involved. The best thing people can do in those situations is take our best guess and make the best of the situation.

Fail! Fail, fail, fail!!!

2008-05-08T10:15:00.000-04:00

Ellie, you are SUCH A FAILURE:

Last year I met a man on a dating website; we developed an intense and satisfying relationship, but I soon suspected that he was hiding something.

After some digging, I discovered that he was married; his wife’s family co-owned his business; he’s having an affair with one of his employees, and dating another woman on the side (talk about busy.)

Even though I ended the relationship, I’m still mortified, not only because of his deceit, but also because we had unprotected sex.

I feel a lot of compassion for his wife. I’d like to tell her what’s going on behind her back, but I don’t know if I should.

- Wavering

You’d do a greater service to go on a talk show circuit – without naming the jerk – to alert hordes of women about the perils of NOT knowing enough about a man before plunging into intimacy. Not to mention the sheer recklessness of having unprotected sex!

As for spilling all to this one woman, his wife, forget it. She may know already that he’s a dog, or she may not. But your story from a stranger won’t necessarily be believed, and, Mr. Deceitful may be convince her you’re the one who’s lying.

Instead of seeking this route to revenge, seek a better way of looking after yourself.

A dating site only provides an introduction. The rest is up to you. After all, it only took “some digging” to find a whole lot of dirt on this guy.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME??? Your advice, completely straight-faced, is to NOT tell the wife that her husband's most likely having unprotected sex wtih multiple women? If "Wavering" had evidence that this man were a convicted murderer, would your advice be the same then, Ellie?

Oh, don't worry about the wife. Worry about your own self, girlfriend. She wouldn't believe you, anyway! Toodles!

*banging forehead on desk*

Have you considered the possibility -- nay, LIKELIHOOD -- that this man is exposing his wife to all sorts of godforsaken diseases? And it's not just the clap or HIV I'm talking about. Certain strains of something as "simple" as genital warts can increase the poor woman's chances of developing cervical cancer. Have you thought about that, Ellie, you rocket scientist?

Note that nowhere am I saying the philanderer should be exposed for being the cad that he is. Like I've said previously, I think that's a much harder decision to make.

But if you KNOW for a fact that this guy is having unprotected sex with other women (i.e. that's YOU, "Wavering"), you owe it to this other woman to let her know what her risks are. Put it like this: If you never said anything and this woman later contracted herpes or chlamydia or whatever, how would you live with yourself?

Damn, who knows where that guy's schmingie has been?

You suck.

2008-05-07T10:30:00.003-04:00

Today's Hax has two letters in it, and Carolyn's responses to both of them left me thinking she's really quick to turn the finger of blame inward to the letter writer. Granted, she might not be off base at all, but
it just seemed like she went there on scant information.

First letter and part of the response:

Carolyn:

I have a friend who is pressuring me (and others) to fix her brother up on dates. He seems nice, but I know his story and it involves professional disgrace, financial problems and depression. None of us feels comfortable introducing this man to anyone. I've tried to put her off but she won't stop. She is blind about her brother and a real control freak. How can I get her to back off without telling her that her bro is a loser no one should date?

Crazed

Wow.

This reads like an advice columnist's philosophy exam: "Who's in worse shape, the loser, the myopic control freak sister who defends him or the person who befriends the myopic control freak sister yet plainly dislikes her?"

Are we really casting aspersions on people for the character flaws of their friends now? That seems a little overboard to me. There was no indiciation that "Crazed" was this woman's Maid of Honor or anything. They might just be acquaintances. Generally speaking, I don't think the flaws of one's friends should reflect poorly on a person at all. Even if they did, those character flaws reflect much more poorly on the friend than they do on a person who chooses to be the flawed person's friend.

Second letter and part of the response:

Carolyn:

What type of person thinks he never does anything wrong? After yet another argument with my boyfriend of 4 1/2 years, he called and asked if I was willing to change my behavior to make the relationship work. When I said of course and asked if he was willing as well, he said, "No, I think I am doing right by this relationship." How can he possibly think he does nothing wrong if we have had ongoing problems over the past few years?

B.

I'll bite. It's the type of person who thinks the other person will change and then everything will be perfect.

Upside: You two have more in common than you think.

I'm kind of left with the sense that today's two letter writers feel like they got punched in the mouth.

"B." never gave me the impression that she thought her boyfriend would change and then everything would be perfect. The only sense I got from that letter was that "B." wanted some indication that her boyfriend was willing to meet her halfway, and together, they would continue to work out their differences. There was no castle-in-the-sky, no happily-ever-after. Just the wish for a promise to work together.

I'm not feeling you today, Carolyn. This makes me sad.

Swing and a miss.

2008-05-07T10:20:00.002-04:00

Dear Amy: My beautiful wife of seven years is a shopaholic. She literally can't go into a store and come out empty-handed.

We have plenty of children and grandchildren between us, so there are lots of potential recipients of her generosity. What complicates the matter is that she's the bigger breadwinner in the family. She earns about $15,000 more a year than I do. She works very hard, putting in lots of overtime, and I appreciate that.

After six years of major financial struggles, we're finally emerging from debt. I'm three months away from paying off my $42,000 in credit card debt. But as quickly as I pay off mine, she continues piling up her own. She has about 10 credit cards with around $10,000 on them.

I hate to see us buried in debt again.

What can I do without rocking a beautiful marriage? And before your readers suggest I suck it up to allow her the luxuries, that's not possible. I drive a 10-year-old bashed-in pickup truck with 150,000 miles on it. I need dentures and new glasses. And I'm no slacker. I've been with the same company for 36 years.

If she were a drinker, smoker or gambler, that would be one thing. But she's a wonderful woman whose only vice is shopping.

—Buried in Debt

Dear Buried: First, congratulations on your own debt diet. You see how good it feels to finally emerge from debt.

It doesn't matter that your wife makes more money—a higher income doesn't justify her overspending. I read recently that many companies are cutting back on overtime because of the soft economy—your wife's extra income could disappear overnight.

You two need to commit to debt counseling. A counselor could help your wife see the long-term impact of today's choices.

I really like the work Suze Orman has done to educate and encourage people to control their spending practices. Her latest book is "Women & Money: Owning the Power To Control Your Destiny (2007, Spiegel & Grau).

Isn't "Buried in Debt's" last paragraph a scream plea for Amy to give weight to what's really going on here (notwithstanding his first sentence)? And instead of doing that, she completely whiffs. Well, okay, maybe not completely, but she never makes solid contact with the ball, either.

The dude wants to hear that compulsive shopping is as much a problem and an addiction as alcoholism, drug addiction, compulsive gambling, nicotine addiction, etc. And instead of acknolwedging that, Amy talks about debt counseling services.

Oy.

Thank you, Bucky. I knew you'd see things my way.

Sexy bitch.

2008-05-07T10:10:00.002-04:00

From today's "Tales from the Front":

DEAR ABBY: My mother-in-law -- I'll call her "Irene" -- refers to our 3-year-old daughter, "Amber," as "sexy." When she buys clothing for Amber, she will say, "This is sexy." When Amber was younger and would pull up her dress in play, Irene would say, "Are you trying to be sexy?" Luckily, when it has happened, Amber either didn't hear or remember her comments.
I'm afraid if we don't put a stop to it, Irene will continue saying these things. Maybe she thinks it's cute, but I would like to keep my little girl innocent as long as I can. My husband agrees with me, but he's afraid of offending his mother. Why would a grandmother call her young granddaughter "sexy"? Please advise. -- AMBER'S MOMMY IN CLEVELAND

DEAR MOMMY: Your mother-in-law may have a limited vocabulary, or she may be projecting her adult feelings onto Amber -- not realizing that children her granddaughter's age do not experience sexual feelings the way adults do.

Whatever Irene's reasoning, I agree that her comments are inappropriate, and she should be told to cut them out. With marketing, advertising and media the way they are today, your little girl will be bombarded with promotional messages in which sex is a sales tool before she hits kindergarten. She doesn't need to be sexually objectified by her grandmother, too.

As far as I'm concerned, Chris Rock had it right: The father's primary job is to keep his daughter off the goddamn pole. "Amber's" daddy is on the road to failure and grandma's giving him directions. Ew. Unclean. Unclean.

Incidentally, that pic on the right? Cutest damn pole dancer I've ever seen.

My husband's a perv! HE LOOKS AT PORN!

2008-05-06T12:00:00.000-04:00

Dear Cheryl: I caught my husband watching Internet porn. Before this happened, I had lost interest in sex for a while. I didn't tell him I knew what he was doing. What I did was to really step up the sex with him to let him know I was interested again. A few days after we had good sex, I caught him again.

This time I confronted him. He said he would stop and we worked things out. But I'm still the one who's initiating sex. What should I do? Should I continue to seduce him or let him come to me when he wants it?

—Back in the Mood

Dear Back in the Mood: Your husband might think that your renewed interest in sex is only temporary. Or he may be hooked on Internet porn. How do you feel about porn? Would you be willing to watch it with him? That's one option.

In the meantime, continue to seduce him. See if he gets the hint that your interest in sex isn't a passing thing. Stay in touch and let's see what's going on.

Look, neither of you understand the relationship men have with porn. The sexual urges of men aren't like that bucket you keep under a leak in the roof that will spill over if you don't empty it out. I'll bet "Back in the Mood's" husband was surfing internet porn before she lost interest in sex, and chances are, he's going to do it again. A man's relationship with Bangbros and Vivid Video isn't going to be terribly affected by whether he's getting laid on a regular basis by his wife or not.

We like sex. We think about it all the time. If you have sex with us, great, but we're just going to think about again in an hour. And if you don't have sex with us, whatever. We're still thinking about it. This is true for your boyfriends, your husbands, your brothers, your fathers, and your failed Democratic candidates for presidents. We like boobies and cooters and we like 'em a lot.

That your man is surfing internet porn is not a rejection of you. Again: IT'S NOT ABOUT YOU. If you were a porn star who indulged your husband's every threesome-while-bound-with-a-ball-gag-and-smeared-with-Hershey's-chocolate-syrup fantasy, your husband would still check out some porn on occasion. That's just the way we are. If you're blonde, he's checking out redheads. If you're white, he's checking out blacks. If you're short, he's checking out WNBA players. Whatever. That's just the way we're wired.

And another thing: Just because a guy checks out porn on occasion doesn't mean he's a goddamn porn addict, okay? Does it interfere in his daily life and his real-life relationships? If so, then you've got a problem. If he's just checking out some silicone boobs and bleached hair once in a while with his best friends from the Johnson & Johnson Company, really, what's the big deal? Just because you don't understand it doesn't mean it's an addiction.

People can have a drink or two on a regular basis without being alcoholics. And I can check out my midget dominatrix porn without being dragged in to Sex Addicts Anonymous, thankyouverymuch.

The luckiest people in the world.

2008-05-06T11:45:00.000-04:00

From today's "Tales from the Front":

Dear Cheryl: I have two major problems tied together: 1) I really want to find a romantic partner, and 2) I hate myself for feeling that I need one. I've been told my whole life that I need to be independent and able to take care of myself. I am. I'm a 23-year-old graduate student at a prestigious world university in a challenging male-dominated technical field. I love the professional opportunities and challenges available.

However, I feel terribly guilt-ridden and weak because I'm not happy with my personal life. I feel that I'm failing as a professional woman because I'm not satisfied with a life that consists of just my friends and me.

I've been told over and over to be patient, to concentrate on being an interesting, attractive person and that the rest would take care of itself. But it isn't. I feel this horrible sense of failure because I'm lonely—not for want of friends or family—but for want of a real relationship.

I hate myself for wanting a partner, not necessarily a husband, yet—but a partner. I hate myself because I want a man I can depend on when I know logically that I should depend only on myself. I know I can work, live and even thrive professionally by myself, but I don't want to anymore. The only thing I hate more than being alone is the guilt I feel over hating being alone.

I don't know what to do. I've tried joining clubs, starting new hobbies, taking up dancing, online dating, fix-ups by friends, clubs, bars. I'm not unattractive and don't have a terrible personality. I just can't find anyone I fit with and I'm not happy with the "be patient" approach. I've seen too many women end up permanently alone.

—I Am Woman Hear Me Roar

Dear I Am Woman Hear Me Roar: You've come a long way, baby. A long way since Gloria Steinem said, "A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle." Turns out, fish might not need bicycles, but women do need men. A least most of them do if they want to have healthy, happy lives with children and families. So, get over your guilt over wanting a partner. That is so mid-20th Century.

Right on. People need people, as a woman with a giant honker once said. Humans need romance and romantic relationships. That's not a sign of weakness. Being a feminist doesn't mean you don't need anyone, let alone a man. It just means you're no worse (or better) than a man. And men need companionship, too. There's nothing wrong with admitting that to yourself.

He's a loser, but he's the only loser my daughter's got

2008-05-06T11:30:00.001-04:00

My daughter, 21, and her daughter, 2, lived for six months with the child’s father; he’s verbally abusive and puts her down or blames her whatever’s wrong in his life. He doesn’t work, and they’re currently living off assistance.

My daughter was scared to go out to work, as he sleeps all day and may not look after his child.

Recently she called us during a fight, to help her leave him. She later confided that she’d learned he was on drugs again. She and our granddaughter have been staying with us for several weeks; she periodically takes the girl to see him, and stays overnight.

I can tell that she’d like to go back with him. We tell her it only matters that she makes her decisions based on what she knows is best for her and her daughter.

If she does return to him, what should we do to help protect our granddaughter, without causing our daughter more upset and potentially harming our relationship with her and the child?

Does the law require us to do or reveal anything?

- Worried Parents

If you witness or know of any incidents of child abuse and/or neglect, you do have a legal responsibility to report it to child protection authorities. This is too serious a danger for the child, to worry about upsetting your daughter.

However, if no such incident occurs and your daughter chooses to return to this man, you can best “help” the situation by staying close to her and her daughter, so that she knows she has refuge with you if she needs it.

Instead of focusing on your worries, try to get her to do the thinking about how things have been and what she can expect from a life with this man. Ask questions without casting blame… let her reflect on her answers, even if only in her own mind.

Don’t pressure her; let her own sense of responsibility take hold.

The second to last paragraph in Ellie's response really should have taken center stage in her response. The first thing "Worried Parents" should be doing is talking to their daughter and try to get her to see that hey, maybe a drug-addicted, abusive, layabout isn't the best parental figure to have around a young child. I've said it before and I'll say it again: What, exactly, are we clinging to here?

And "Worried Parents" really shouldn't be so much concerned with what the law requires them to do as much as they should be concerned with protecting their grandchild. What, do we have to look to the state legislature for parenting tips now? They know this situation no es bueno for their grandchild. That's enough. Forget what the law says. Do what's right.

Haute couture for the office

2008-05-06T11:20:00.001-04:00

Dear Amy: I am wondering what you think about bras in the workplace. I have small breasts and am comfortable not wearing a bra. In fact, I am more comfortable not wearing a bra. I find them itchy and pokey and constraining. Just wearing my shirt or dress is so nice! I've stopped wearing a bra unless I'm wearing a formal, strapless dress and need a little "help."

However, my boss—whom I am very close to—has mentioned that I don't wear a bra, so I know it's noticeable.

I am hoping bras are like sweaters. Wear one if you need to; don't if you don't. Am I wrong?

— A

You ain't wrong, sister. And may I remind you and all of your broadchested friends: It's almost Memorial Day. And that means summer. And really, who wants to wear a sweater during the summer? Or a pinchy, constraining, wired undergarment, for that matter?

Free the mammaries, ladies. Why do you hate freedom?

She's a trend-setter.

Yeah, you're going to have a great marriage.

2008-05-02T12:34:00.004-04:00

Dear Amy: I've always held my friends closer than any boyfriend, because after a breakup my friends are the ones who will be there for me.

Duh. You don't break up with your friends. Usually, you just drift apart. Saying that you hold friends closer than boyfriends because they'll be there for you after a breakup is just begging the question. Of course your boyfriend isn't going to be there for you after a breakup. THEY JUST BROKE UP WITH YOU.

But I've never had this problem before. I recently started seeing "Rob." He's great. He's met a few of my friends, and they love him—all except my closest guy friend.

"Steve" is gay, and when we went out one night with my girlfriends, Steve felt Rob made some rude comments. I was there, and so were my girlfriends, and no one felt Rob was rude. I think maybe Steve was a bit too sensitive to something Rob said in an attempt to be funny. He didn't make any anti-gay comments or anything like that. Ever since, Steve is adamant that he does not like Rob.

That was their only meeting, but my relationship with Rob is getting fairly serious, so I'd like for him to be able to go out with all my friends, including Steve.

I feel guilty because I take my friends' opinions to heart, but I just don't think Rob is a bad guy, and all of my other friends think he's great. Rob has even asked about Steve a few times, so it's not as if Rob hates him.

What should I do?

I don't want Steve to think I'm betraying him.

—Wondering

Dear Wondering: You are right to take your friends' views seriously, but remember that you are the one dating Rob, and your judgment is the most important.

What are we, in high school? Do all of your friends need to like your boy/girlfriend? If you like the guy/chickie, what difference does it make if one of your friends doesn't? (Assuming, of course, that your friend's dislike isn't rooted in legitimate and genuine concerns -- such as genuine douchebaggery -- that you're blind to because your boy/girlfriend is really frickin' hot.)

Do you like him/her? That's all that matters. If your friend doesn't, that's his problem and one that he's going to have to learn to get over if he wants to remain your friend.

And this whole "I don't want Steve to think I'm betraying him" business is a huge red flag. Steve isn't your husband or your priest, lady. He's a friend. He doesn't get a say in who you date. No one does. There's entirely too much emphasis being placed on friendship here. I see a rocky marriage in someone's future.

Men make the rules.

2008-05-02T10:29:00.001-04:00

Dear Carolyn:

I was unable to have children and my husband refused to consider adoption. Therapy has helped me come to terms with this, but I find myself struggling for a graceful way to cope when people talk at length about kids and grandkids. For example, I was at a breakfast event with a group of professional women, and fairly quickly they started telling each other about their children and grandchildren. This went on for 20 minutes. I felt terribly left out, and after a while I simply got up and left.

The letter goes on about this problem, which Carolyn addresses.

What she doesn't address, however, is the very first sentence. Having children is apparently VERY important to the woman who wrote this letter. So important, in fact, that she can't be around people who are sharing pleasantries about their own children and grandchildren for a prolonged period of time. She's willing to adopt, but her husband isn't? What the hell is going on there?

Adoption is one of the most generous acts a couple/person can bestow upon another. They're not only opening their homes to a child that doesn't have one, they're opening their hearts to this child and saying, "Come be with me and I promise to love you like my own." Is there anything that could be more giving? Seriously, I place this on par or above directed organ donorship. You're giving a piece of you to a child you don't know and have no biological connection to. How great is that?

And the letter writer's husband doesn't want to do that. Which I can understand. Adoption isn't for everyone. But it's something that is clearly very important to his wife. It's something that she undoubtedly wants. Why is her husband the one calling the shots here? Being childless isn't and shouldn't be the "default" setting for their relationship that they revert to when consensus cannot be reached. Just as both of them should agree to adopt, both should agree not to adopt. And I'm not sensing that this letter writer ever agreed to that.

Which really sucks. I can't believe that there isn't a large amount of pent up resentment toward her husband for this reason. Ick.

Oh . . . momma!

2008-05-01T15:30:00.001-04:00

Today's "Tales from the Front" is all about how hard it is for people in their 50s, 60s and beyond to find a date. Nothing particularly insightful there, but it gives me an excuse to post this:

You know who is 50 or will be turning 50 later this year?

Michelle Pfeiffer

Jennifer Tilly

Sharon Stone

Yeah, okay, that's not the best picture of Catherine Tramell. Her face looks . . . weathered. But she's still gorgeous. Don't get me wrong, she should be taken behind the woodshed for her part in the atrocity that was Catwoman, but she's still one of the most beautiful women in the world.

That's right. Weasel your way out of life's problems.

2008-05-01T15:15:00.002-04:00

Ahhh, it's comforting to know that some things don't change. One day removed from her win from yesterday's column, Amy is back to giving crappy advice:

Dear Amy: My husband has been asked to be a groomsman in an out-of-state wedding of a former colleague. At the time the groom asked him to participate, my husband hastily agreed to the task, then immediately regretted it. There are at least five other groomsmen and other attendants, and there are nine bridesmaids.

My husband is not a very social guy and is not even fond of the groom. Furthermore, we must choose our discretionary expenses carefully, as we have three young children. The cost of this three-day event, including travel, planned activities, baby-sitters, accommodations, formalwear and gifts, is daunting. The wedding is several months away.

Please tell me it's OK for him to extricate himself from this obligation, and let me know exactly how to do it.

Burning bridges is certainly an option.

Thank you in advance for your magical solution.

— Let Him off the Hook

Dear Hook: By the power granted me by the State of Illinois and The Yenta Board, the licensing authority of advice columnists, I absolve your husband of his groomsman duties.

Now all he has to do is tell the groom — today.

He should say to his (soon to be former) friend: "I was so flattered to be asked to be in your wedding. I said yes before I had a chance to think it through. Then I got home and told my wife, and now she won't let me do it — in fact, we're not even going to be able to attend because of the kids. I'm really sorry and wanted to tell you as soon as possible."

You're willing to take the fall for this, right? As the groom is about to learn, taking the fall is sometimes what spouses do for each other.

So let me get this straight: Amy wants this guy to lie and tell his friend (colleague, whatever) that his wife won't let him be a groomsman? Why stop there? Why not just say, "My wife's a crazed loon and she thinks you're a pencil-dicked dipshit who should be kissing the ground your new wife walks on every day for agreeing to marry you"? Seriously? This is the advice Amy offers?

First of all, this obviously is selling "Let Him Off the Hook" down the river. The wife apparently doesn't care (she's willing to burn a bridge here to save the expense of the wedding, which is fine), but why do that when there are other options? Word may eventually start to spread about what a selfish bitch LHOtH is. Why go there when you don't have to?

Second, by saying "My wife won't let me go," the guy is going to come across as unspeakably lame. Sure, why not heap on some humiliation to go with that selfish bitch stew? But again, why do that if you don't need to?

Finally, why lie at all? I mean, aren't we, you know, adults? Why can't you just tell the guy the truth?

"Hey dude, thanks for asking me to be your groomsman. It meant a lot to me. Really. I got a chubby and everything. Thing is, I said 'yes' before really thinking about it. And I realized that the cost of flying everyone out there and getting hotels rooms for all of us was just going to be too much for us this year. You know how tight money is these days. Sub-primes and ethanol fuel, man. Fucking Bush. Right. Vote Obama. Right on. Good luck with your wedding. They change later, but good luck, anyway." *fist tap* *chest bump*

The end.

Seriously, what's so hard about that?

No way.

2008-05-01T10:24:00.002-04:00

From today's Hax, which is adapted from an online chat from a month ago:

Dear Carolyn:

Oh, help. Please. I need to lose a lot of weight: 60 pounds for a healthy BMI, but honestly 30 is a goal I'd be thrilled to reach. I am doing many of the right things in terms of portion control and exercise and am working my way up to more. So far it's yay, go me.

Here's the problem: I have been told my whole life that I was fat. My mother spent her life beating herself up for having hips and breasts, and it's only in recent years that I've been able to see past this inherited self-loathing. I was told by family and peers that I was a pig long before I ever got fat -- pictures of me in high school show a pretty, miserably insecure teen who had no idea that she was STACKED, not a hippo! If I had really been able to see myself in the mirror, I don't think I ever would have put on the weight to begin with.

So between that, and all the weight-loss stories about size 8's dieting themselves down to size 2, and drivel like the scathing piece about the "fat" (size 12) would-be beauty queen on the Web, I feel like I'm doomed before I even start.

I know, objectively, that every little bit helps and that I need to do this for my own health and well-being, not in hopes that some jerk on the street will for once refrain from calling me a heifer. But what it feels like on the inside is: What's the point? People will always think I'm a pig. So how do I stay motivated when for me the big goal has to be a size 12 or 14, not a size 6?

I wish people would finally realize that publicly shaming and ridiculing the overweight isn't helping any of us.

Weight, Weight, Don't Tell Me

I sympathize, and agree that most public discussion about weight is useless -- and that's only when it's not actively counterproductive. It goes without saying, too, that people who call you a pig are the ones who belong in a sty.

Yes, we are in the midst of an obesity surge, and it's shaping up to be (sorry) a public health crisis. However, losing weight is about as private an issue as there is. You are at the store, you are stocking the pantry, you are holding the fork.

So, my advice is to stop talking about this, stop reading about this, stop clicking the links to size 12 beauty queens.

You will pick up some ambient noise about weight, inevitably, but block out as much as you realistically can. Make it about the store, your pantry, your fork. Every time you hear something destructive, schedule -- and then take -- a walk to counteract it.

Also consider seeing a reputable counselor who specializes in body-image issues. Most of the weight you're carrying now can't be measured on a scale.

You also can seek out allies in a weight-loss support group. Just make sure they're affiliated with programs that aren't diets, but instead lifestyle changes. Food didn't abuse you, people did -- you included. Look at this as firing everyone, and learning to care for yourself.

Look, I empathize and sympathize with "Weight," am rooting for her in her struggle against obesity, and think that the people ridiculing her are douchebags. I wholeheartedly agree with Carolyn's response to the woman. Ignore the name-callers who will only set you back. Get healthy in terms of your love for yourself. It's something many people struggle with, fat or not. Get healthy for yourself and find a body size that's ideal for you, not Gwyneth Paltrow.

All that said, it sounds to me like "Weight" is in a bit of denial. She says, "[I] was STACKED, not a hippo!" Well, I hate to say it, but you might have been both. I'm all for a healthy self-image, but denial isn't the way to get there. That's just going to replace old problems with new ones.

"Weight" also put the word "fat" in quotation marks when discussing the "would-be beauty queen on the Web" and said the overweight beauty queen was a "size 12." I can only assume we're talking about Chloe Marshall, a 17 year-old beautician who was a finalist for the Miss England competition earlier this year. According to the Daily Mail, Marshall was a size 16 (in UK sizes, which translates into size 14 in US sizes, so I'm being a tad nitpicky there), stands 5'10", and weighs 12 stones 8 pounds, which is 176 pounds. Lookit. Marshall is a lovely woman. Very pretty face, killer eyes, full lips, lustrous hair, etc. And she's a different person when she's fully-clothed as opposed to in a bikini:

What she undeniably is, however, is large. She's fat. There's this notion in this country that the word "fat" is almost a slur. It's not a nice thing to say, granted, but we need to get over that. We have a HUGE problem with bodyweight and healthy eating in this country and we're not going to address the problem by avoiding calling people fat when that's what they are.

You gonna finish that?

I'm not saying that people should be reed-thin, either. Amy Winehouse used to look kind of hot before she traded in her fish and chips for a crack pipe.

What I am saying is that it doesn't help anyone not to call a spade a spade. Chloe Marshall is a very brave, self-assured young woman who is setting a good example by telling young girls to have a healthy outlook on their own bodies, but what she also is, is fat.

I have a feeling I'm going to get some hate mail for this one. That is, I would if anyone were reading this.

What?

2008-04-30T16:09:00.003-04:00

From today's "Miss Manners":

Dear Carolyn:

So, I've fallen for someone I work with, and I don't know what to do about it. My brain is telling me it's a bad idea for all the usual reasons you shouldn't date a co-worker (although my brain also knows it's not against the rules, and we don't work together directly). My gut is simultaneously telling me to forget about it (I'm skittish about relationships anyway) and saying go for it (why not? and I think the feelings are mutual). How can I tell if I'm chickening out or just being sane and practical?

Land of Overthinking?

Don't do anything. Overthink with pride and purpose. Purpose because not knowing what to do usually means you don't have enough information, or you don't trust the information you have. If your feelings remain strong, you'll trust them more. Knowing what you want is the first step in assessing potential consequences accurately. So wait for that. If instead the feelings pass, then every workday will bring new waves of relief at your sane practicality. (That's where the pride comes in.)

. . . .

Huh?

That's the most gobblety-gook answer I've ever seen Carolyn ever give.

Bad idea.

2008-04-30T16:06:00.001-04:00

Dear Miss Manners:

It seems like when an employer asks a question, it expects an honest answer.

Here's the thing. After several years with an organization I didn't care for, I got an offer for a new job -- at higher pay and with responsibilities that seem more in line with my skills. I have given several weeks' notice. This employer has a practice -- one of many busy-work functions designed by its human resources department to justify its own existence -- of asking departing staff to complete an exit interview that will ask about the reasons we are leaving.

I harbor no ill will toward any specific individuals. In fact, I have a decent relationship with my boss. But I can't help but savor the opportunity to give a truthful assessment of why I was anxious to leave: I found the organization's culture self-congratulatory, bloated, inflexible and unappreciative.

In my heart, I know that living well is the best revenge. But if they go through the trouble of asking why I'm leaving, am I at liberty to give an honest assessment? Or should I consider this letter to you my chance to vent?

Alternatively, do I simply hand back a blank survey? That also seems rude.

But I really don't feel like investing the time to go into detail describing my notion of the problems. If they ever seemed to care, I might not have been so anxious to leave.

Come, now. Over those years, your employer asked you lots of honest questions: "Are you going to have this in by Thursday?" "Do you agree with my idea?" "Do you mind staying late?" and so on.

You did not give dishonest answers, Miss Manners trusts.

But you phrased things in such a way as to avoid antagonizing management: "I'll try my best, but it's more complicated than we had thought." "It's a great idea, but I have a couple of suggestions." "Of course not, but unfortunately, tonight . . ."

But now that you are leaving, you want to give it to them straight. Don't. These people are in your past and in your field. You are only too likely to encounter them again.

Lookit. Here's your answer: Don't do it.

A couple of years ago, the Huckster was sitting down for a job interview. The time came for him to sit down with the head of the firm, who apparently insisted on meeting all new hires. The Huckster enters his office, shakes his hand, and sits down. The Big Dick in Charge looks over Huck's resume and says, "Oh, you used to work at [NAME WITHHELD TO PROTECT HUCK'S COWARDLY ANONYMITY]. Do you know [John Doe]?"

Crap, I think. "John Doe" is a dude I used to work with a lot. By "a lot," I mean "allthefriggintime." And I didn't enjoy it. The dude had a wee bit of temper on him. He would fall somewhere in the lower half of Dogbert's chart there. When I left, there weren't exactly any hugs and kisses going around. But not being too quick on my feet, I say sure, I know him. In fact, I used to do a lot of work for him.

"My wife used to work there," BDiC says. "[John] and I are good friends. We still have lunch together all the time. Can I ask him about you?"

Well, what the hell am I supposed to say to that? "Sure," I say. But I slinked out of the interview thinking that was it for my chances there.

A few days later, much to the Huckster's surprise, he got an offer. Actually, months later, the Huckster learned that many other people he had interviewed with that day didn't want to hire him because they thought the Huckster was over-qualified. (That's probably the first time in my life I've ever been considered over-qualified for anything, by the by.) But they hired me anyway, because "John Doe" gave me a stellar recommendation. The BDiC overruled everyone else on "John's" word.

So the moral of the story, kids, is don't badmouth your employer on your way out the door. Life is a revolving door. It has a way of swinging around and kicking you in the ass if you're not careful.

"John Doe" got a lovely Christmas card from me that year, incidentally.

I weep for the lack of literacy in America. WEEP.

2008-04-30T15:30:00.006-04:00

I’m 31 now, and met her when I was 18; we dated for four years and loved each other deeply.

I was gang-affiliated, and her whole family was a different gang. They didn’t know for the first two years, but her brother found out and kept it secret. Then one of his old acquaintances recognized me, and she was threatened with death. I had to let her go.

Now, 13 years later and 700 miles apart, we still talk.

Recently, her sister was sick, and she came here (otherwise, her husband wouldn’t let her visit her family without him, they’re crazy). It was the first we saw each other again. We got together every morning and every night.

She has children, and won’t do anything to jeopardize them. We didn’t sleep together, didn’t even kiss. It’s love, not lust. And I respect her, too. But she didn’t tell her husband that she saw me.

She’s returning soon and wants to secretly spend a whole day with me while he’s with the kids here. I now feel guilty… and worried what can happen during a whole day. BUT, this could be the last time I ever see her.

We go together like two shoes in a box. Should I see her or not?

- Last Chance

Shoes don’t feel passion, nor responsibilities, nor weakness. You two do. You have a romantic Romeo and Juliet history, but remember, Shakespeare’s play ended badly for the couple.

The only way this “friendship” can continue in person, is if she can tell her husband she wants him to meet her old friend, and bring him along for a lunch or outing together. Otherwise, you’re both flirting with danger. Keeping the secret would bring an atmosphere of risk, yearning and desperation to the day together, and that’s an explosive mix, emotionally.

Your love for each other is based on an interrupted connection… it has nothing to do with what she has in her marriage: Children, a home life built together, her husband’s trust.

The past is over; don’t tempt a turbulent future unless you’re both prepared for enormous upheaval.

GODDAMMIT!!! The saying isn't "two shoes in a box," you doorknob. It's "two peas in a pod"! How the hell do two shoes fit in a box, anyway? NOT WELL. They're loose and they jostle around in there. Tissue paper has to be put between them so they don't scuff each other up. YOU'RE SCREWING UP THE METAPHOR, DUDE!

And Ellie, you totally wiffed on the Romeo & Juliet thing. The better analogy was to West Side Story. Gangs and all that. Philistine.

Why, I'm so miffed, I'm not even going to touch the adultery part of this letter. And you all know how much I love talking about adultery. A lot!

Thanks, genius.

2008-04-30T15:25:00.001-04:00

Dear Amy: I have a solution for the mother whose toddler wanted to sleep in her room every night.

When my son did this, I'd say: "I love you. Do you want to go back to bed by your own big self or do you want me to help you?"

That way he felt he had a choice, although both choices involved getting back into his own bed.

It really worked well, and he never spent the night in our bed again.

— Rested Mom

Dear Rested: Letting your son make a "choice" was a great idea. Toddlers need to feel in control.

And what if the kid's response is, "NEITHER! AH WANNA SWEEP HEAH!!! Nanee-nanee-boo-boo!!"

What then, Dr. Spock?

Amy WINS!

2008-04-30T15:19:00.002-04:00

Dear Amy: I am a 19-year-old student, and I recently began talking to a 32-year-old man. He has lied to me from the beginning. He wants to move the relationship further. I'm considering it.

When we first began to talk, he said he didn't have a girlfriend, but a few weeks later he had to admit it because he was supposed to come to my home state and meet me, but he ended up on house arrest and couldn't come. When I offered to visit him, he told me about his girlfriend.

I was shocked but not surprised (because I am at the point in my life where I believe that the majority of men lie).

I said we could remain friends, but I did not want him to cheat on his girlfriend.

A few days ago, I asked him for advice about a disastrous relationship I was in, and he began making more advances.

I expressed my concern about his cheating on his girlfriend, and he flat out said, "If I want it and you want it, then why don't we just do it?"

I told him that it would be betraying her.

What should I do? I really want to be with him, but I know that if he cheats with me he will cheat on me, so I will never be able to fully trust him. But he really seems like a nice person, and I want to give him a chance. Some of my friends are telling me not to do it, and others are telling me to do it.

Please help.

— Wondering

Dear Wondering: I gather you are chatting with this person online and have not even met him in person.

What is it with Amy and online relationships? She might be right about this one, but douchebags are everywhere. She's repeatedly shown in the past a bias against online dating and online relationships. Get over it, Grandma.

Well, I'm going to do you a favor and not sugarcoat this because you need a serious reality check.

Are you insane?

This shouldn't even rise to the level of being a dilemma for you. This is a no-brainer, a non-starter, very foolish and potentially dangerous.

The fact that you are even contemplating having any further contact with this guy should force you to examine your own poor judgment.

This man lies, he is on house arrest, he is more than a decade older than you (he could be lying about his age too) and he is not a "nice person."

You seem to have a very low opinion of men in general and an even lower opinion of yourself.

If I could place you under "house arrest" until you get your act together, I would.

Aaaaaand Amy redeems herself. That's about as harsh as I've ever seen her. Justifiably so, too. "Wondering" is a dumbass. What, exactly, is she clinging to here?

This is for the dude in need of an attitude adjustment. Yes, you, in the back.

2008-04-28T12:51:00.004-04:00

Dear Carolyn:

I could not believe there was yet another letter from an overwhelmed young woman, working a stressful job, being controlled by a 2-year-old, on meds for stress and with a husband who won't lift a finger to help. I am nearly 60 and begging all young women contemplating marriage: For the love of God please have this conversation with the man BEFORE you walk down the aisle. In this day and age, when women are expected to hold down a full-time job, you need to know if your future husband has archaic ideas about housework and child care before you're facing a nervous breakdown. ASK!!

Maryland

Sold. Likewise, men, be on the lookout for future wives with archaic ideas of breadwinning.

Because Carolyn won't do it, I will. This reply seems almost tailor made for this guy right here. Are you happy now, guy? Carolyn came to your defense. Buck up. The world isn't against you.

He's everywhere! He's everywhere!

2008-04-28T12:45:00.000-04:00

Also from today's "Ask Amy":

Dear Amy: I have found the love of my life! He is amazing and wonderful. We are only 21 years old and don't plan on marrying until we graduate from college. It will probably be three or more years until we marry.

The thing is, I'm Catholic and promised myself I wouldn't have sex until marriage, but I really want to share that experience with my boyfriend.

I feel so conflicted. I know I should feel that God wants me to wait and that I should follow this rule without complaint. It is just hard because sex is so prevalent.

My boyfriend has been great and says he can wait, but sometimes we both have a weak moment and have come close.

I don't know what to do.

—Conflicted Catholic

Dear Confused: You need to be true to your values. You could explore this further by talking to a member of the clergy, who could clarify your spiritual teachings.

You must also think about birth control. Educate yourself by visiting your campus health center. (Your church also has a point of view about birth control—so that is another tough choice for you to make.)

Sex is a bell you cannot un-ring. If you are unsure, then you should delay until you are. Please, do not have sex because of a "weak moment" and then rationalize—or perhaps regret—it later.

As you mature, you will need to embrace the idea that you can't always know what God has in mind for you; God's plan is most often revealed in retrospect, when you look back at your choices and their consequences.

I'm going to try to refrain from voicing my opinion on sexual chastity and religion. Really. The fact that I think it's absolutely asinine for any religion to attach a hymen to spiritual purity is beside the point. Damn. I fucked it up already, didn't I? Oh well.

Anyway, what really kind of irked me about Amy's response is the insertion of a Christian message in her advice. I realize it was the letter writer who brought her Catholicism into the discussion, but I didn't see her letter as seeking spiritual guidance. Rather, I thought she was seeking practical advice on how to fight off sexual temptation and mentioned her religious background as information only, so that Amy would better understand the basis for her desire to remain chaste.

But in her response, Amy goes off on a tangent about "God's plan," plainly revealing her own religious predilictions and probably alienating a good portion of her readers in the process. This wasn't a private letter that Amy wrote to "Confused." (And why do so many letter writers choose the word "Confused" as their pen name? That's why "Savage Love" is superior to so many advice columns out there. At least someone writing a similar letter to Dan Savage might have taken the time to come up with a clever pen name with initials that would have spelled out "T.H.R.O.B.B.I.N.G. C.L.I.T" or something.) This was part of a nationwide column. Why assume that everyone is going to be okay with that kind of discussion when you can respond with secular, non-parochial advice?

Maybe this is just a hot-button issue for me, personally. I recently took my son to a new medical professional who inserted the words "God" and "prayer" into his first discussion with my son. That prompted a quick letter to the head of the department and a demand for a referral.

Just think about how you would feel if people brought up Allah or Buddha or Vishnu, is all I'm saying. We were never meant to be a monolithic country. Too many people seem to forget that.

My grandchildren are damned, dirty hippies

2008-04-28T12:43:00.000-04:00

Dear Amy: I love my daughter and my two grandchildren, but I am extremely appalled by my daughter's choice of hairstyles for my grandchildren. My grandsons, ages 5 and 6, have very Beatles-esque hairdos. I feel as if people assume they are delinquents. When I am in public with them, I feel as if everyone around us is judging me based on their appearance.

I have tried dropping hints to my daughter; this has gotten me nowhere. I'm thinking of secretly taking the boys to the hairdresser.

I am sick of being embarrassed by my family. I do not want to anger my daughter because we've had our issues in the past. I just want respectable grandsons.

— Rose

Five bucks says "Rose" refers to rap music as "jungle music."

Cue the banjo music

2008-04-25T16:13:00.003-04:00

Hax chat (a follow-up comment to a post that asked how to handle in-laws who insist on staying in a small house with a couple after the wife just gave birth):

Madrid, Spain: Scare Tactics Always Work:

For the new mother with Uncle and Dad hanging around: I recommend she strips and nurses in front of them. They'll beat a path to Motel 6 with smoke coming off their wheels.

Carolyn Hax: Others proposed this, too, but, wow, the smoking wheels. I stand in awe. Thanks.

But what if . . . they're INTO it?

Whole new set of problems there, I'm thinking.

Easy there, tough guy

2008-04-25T16:09:00.001-04:00

From today's Hax chat:

Babies driving couples apart: Carolyn Hax "Or, the spouse continues to be a workaholic and doesn't help with or show much love for the child, much less give the child-watching spouse and breaks (or respect)."

Would you kindly refrain from trashing so called work-a-holic spouses? 9 times out of 10, such statements are directed at MEN, and we're a little sick of it. Men experience the birth of a child VERY differently then women, especially in the emotional and psychological areas. Like it or not, we seem to be hard wired to show love first and foremost by providing, and we can't escape the internal voice that says when baby come you have to work harder and earn more, which takes us out of the house.

Yes, our wives/partners are much more physically, psychologically and emotionally stressed by the constant needs of the baby, particularly if they stay home full time. But to imply that a man working overtime to keep that bay fed, clothed, doctored and sheltered ISN'T showing love to his baby or spouse is really too much. Such statement imply there is only one way to show love, and if it isn't the way the mother wants it, thats "wrong." WOW!

Carolyn Hax: Do you see any sexes assigned to my observation?

Whoa. Dude seems to have some issues to work out.

Filled with happy

2008-04-25T16:05:00.000-04:00

From Carolyn Hax's online chat today:

It's me. The woman who was having a C-section baby with a heart defect. Just wanted to write in to let you all know how things went. My father-in-law - after saying he would be fine coming to the hospital on day 2 - came to the hospital while I was in surgery. The hospital staff allowed him to hang out until I was wheeled into my room and then let him in my room. My husband was understandably furious with him but didn't want to cause a scene so he let him stay. I was very sick from the anesthesia and throwing up every couple of minutes. My blood pressure dropped dangerously low - and kept dropping - causing nurses and doctors to run into the room every few minutes. I couldn't sit up in bed because every time I did, I threw up. It was awful. My baby, on the other hand, did far better than we even hoped or expected. His heart issue ended up being nothing more than a slight murmur and he did not need surgery!!! Anyway, FIL stayed for about 15 minutes and after seeing me throw up for the 5th or 6th time, he left, saying he would visit us at home when everyone was feeling better. I was pretty upset with him and my husband was furious but we just let it go. The fact that our baby did not need surgery just overwhelmed us with so much happiness and gratitude that I think we would have forgiven almost anything at that point!!

I (obviously) don't even know who these people are, but I'm just filled with happy for them. That's wonderful, beautiful news.

Getting a little verklempt.

You started off so well

2008-04-25T16:00:00.002-04:00

From today's "Advice Goddess" (at least, I think it's from today; the way her site is laid out, it's hard to say):

My wife of a year is from a very conservative culture (a Muslim country). She said she'd only dated three guys, and only kissed and held hands. I told her it's nice she was a virgin, but honesty was more important. She kept saying I was the first man to touch her, sleep naked with her, awaken her sensuality, and on and on. Later, she let it slip that she'd slept naked with her exes, but said she'd never lie to me again. Eventually, she let it slip that she'd pretty much done everything but intercourse with two of these guys, but it was a detail she'd forgotten. She doesn't understand how it hurts the male ego to repeatedly say, "You're the only guy I've been with," then, "Sorry, I forgot, you're the third." Had this happened with a guy in her culture, it would have resulted in immediate divorce, and maybe something much worse. So, do I divorce her, or let this go? I'm concerned she may be hiding other things.

--Betrayed

. . . .

In Saudi Arabia, it's not just premarital sex that'll get you in trouble, but premarital seating. . . .

[Y]ou married a woman from a culture where slut can equal death, and you thought all you had to do to get her to spill everything was tell her honesty works best for you?

RIGHT!! High-five!

Poor Booboo, you weren't her first. Or her second. And there is that possibility you weren't even her third. Get over it.

Sing it, sister!!

All this moping is distracting you from the essential question: Did she lie about her sexploits out of some ingrained policy for self-preservation . . . ?

YES. She was raised to believe what she did is just about the foulest thing a woman could do. Of course she's going to lie about it.

The fact that her character is kind of a mystery to you suggests you pledged to spend the rest of your life with a near stranger. Smooth move, dude!

Wait. Say what? We're falling off the rails here . . . .

At least get to know the woman before you divorce her

Divorce? Seriously? What the hell . . . ?

Is she ethical? Even when nobody's looking? Does it mean something to her to do the right thing? Does she act in your best interest or does she just act interested out of self-interest?

Whoa, slow down. Why are we suddenly questioning her character? I thought we established why she felt compelled to mislead her husband about her sexual history. It's not a big deal. This doesn't mean this woman steals sips of Coke at the fountain machine at 7-Eleven. I mean, she's not a total monster.

I know, boring questions, but they'll ultimately be more instructive than interrogating her about whether she let Achmed get to third base in the summer of 2003.

Easy with the ethnic profiling there, whitey. The guy said his wife was Muslim. He didn't say anything about the ethniticities of the three dudes she kissed and held hands with.

I mean, slept naked with.

I mean, sucked off.

I mean, pegged with a strap on.

Whatever. Toe-may-toe, toe-mah-toe.

There's one final thing here worth noting. The Advice Goddess says:

As for telling you that you were blazing uncharted territory, and were quite the lover to boot, even Western women with sterling integrity have been known to exclaim, "Wow, that thing's enormous!" Meanwhile, they're thinking, "...compared to the stub of a No. 2 pencil."

Women don't do that. Everyone knows that. Duh.

And trial-size candy bar size is ENORMOUS.

The Ernest-to-Einstein Scale of Stupidity

2008-04-25T15:00:00.005-04:00

Look what I found.

Way back when I was doing this blog regularly, I used the phrase "Ernest-to-Einstein Scale of Intelligence," and said that someone who wrote a really dumb letter was on the left end of that bell curve.

At some point, I thought it would be funny to illustrate where people fall on the Ernest-to-Einstein scale, and I did a little post on it. I never found the right moment to publish it though, and completely forgot about it until now.

So here it is. Mind, I did this two years ago (maybe more), so some of the references are pretty dated.

If I were doing this today, Amy Winehouse would definitely be there, probably between Beavis and Tara Reid.

. . . .

I think I only put Tara Reid on there as an excuse to post that picture of her falling out of her dress. If you've seen the video of that moment, you know it was an absolutely glorious moment in American history. Her left boobie -- scarred and mangled as it was from botched plastic surgery -- was hanging all out there, but Tara was too drunk and there was too much plastic there for her to feel the cool breeze on it. Flashbulbs from the paparazzi suddenly start going off like crazy, and she's grinning like an idiot, posing, because she thinks everyone thinks she's beautiful. And if you've seen the unedited version of this photo, I defy you to find the nipple. It's not there.

THAT, my friends, is America in a nutshell. America is a mangled boob hanging out of a dress being photographed by lecherous morons who live off of the droppings of celebrity culture. That is why armageddon isn't far away.

I, for one, welcome our soon-to-come alien overlords.

1. Ernest

2. Paris Hilton

3. Beavis

4. Tara Reid

5. Kate Moss

6. Dubya

7. Darth Tater

8. Tom Cruise

9. Brad Pitt

10. Rush Limbaugh

11. Fat dude on a bike

12. Harriet Miers

13. Bill Maher

14. Dennis Miller

15. Michael Moore

16. George Carlin

17. The Corrections author Jonathan Franzen

18. Steve Jobs

19. Whoever invented the Oreo

20. George Will

21. Supreme Court Chief Justice John Roberts

22. Nobel Prize-winning novelist Gabriel Garcia Marquez

23. Bill Gates

24. Brad Pitt

25. AIDS researcher David Ho

26. Stephen Hawking

27. Al

I totally shanked a dude.

2008-04-25T12:40:00.005-04:00

DEAR ABBY: I participate in a depression forum. One question comes up repeatedly, and I have yet to find a decent answer.
What is the best way to answer someone who inquires about a self-inflicted scar? And are there ways to hide scars besides wearing long sleeves or pants all the time? Should we even feel that we have to hide them? -- GETTING BEYOND MY PAST IN HONOLULU

DEAR GETTING BEYOND: Because over the years I have heard from (and about) young people who have tried to cope with severe depression by cutting themselves instead of seeking the counseling they need, I am sure that question comes up with some frequency. The problem with "cover-ups" is sooner or later -- like scars -- the truth is exposed.

The honest answer to someone you trust is simply to tell the truth. For others, make light of the question ("Oh, those darn rose bushes ...") and steer the conversation to another subject.

No, no, no.

I was just at a bar last night with a band-aid on my finger. The bartender, who I'm friendly with, asked me what happened to my finger. Truth is, it was itchy the other day and I guess I scratched it too much. Because I took a thin layer of skin off. IT'S STUPID, I KNOW, AND I'LL THANK YOU NOT TO JUDGE ME.

Anyway, I'm not about to tell anyone that story. Not anyone who knows me for real, anyway. I mean, there's lame, but then there's lame. This was polka-dancing level lame. While playing the accordion.

So what do I say? I tell her I was in a knife fight. "Dude almost shanked me!" I say. "He nicked me good, but I got him. Totally gutted him!" Then I let out a little roar and bit off the head of a live chicken.

And she laughed and that was the end of that.

I'm telling you, stupid jokes get me out of the most ridiculous situations.

"What? You're done?? Already????"

*Puts thumb to ear and pinkie to mouth* "What's that? Yes, Commissioner! I'll be there right away! I have to go, honey! The Joker's on the loose! *WHOOOOOOOSH!!!*"

Would you tell?

2008-04-25T12:20:00.001-04:00

Dear Amy: I agree with your response to "Devastated Mother," who you suggested should give her son a deadline to tell his wife about the affair he was having.

I went though a year of hell suspecting my wife of having an affair. When I finally confirmed what was happening, it was too late to save the marriage.

My in-laws were aware the entire time and did nothing. I think if they had pushed my wife the way you suggested early in the affair, the marriage may have been saved. And everyone, including the most important ones of all — our kids — would have been spared the pain of a divorce.

— Been There

Dear Been There: Telling about an affair is a tough call — that's why I suggested that this mother force the issue by giving her son a deadline to tell — otherwise she would.

I'm really not sure where I fall on this issue.

On the one hand, I firmly believe in everyone minding their own damned business. Plus, onlookers might assume someone is having an affair, when there's nothing of the sort going on, and then what happens? The married couple is embarrassed and the intended-good samaritan looks like a nosy busybody.

But what if there's no doubt that the affair is happening? If I were the jilted spouse, would I want to know? I mean, sure, I'd like to know eventually. But I don't know how I would feel knowing that third parites knew about my wife's infidelity before I did. Beyond the anger and betrayal I would feel for having been cheated on, there would also be additional feelings of embarrassment that other people knew and foolishness that I didn't, rightly or wrongly.

Honestly, I don't know what I would do and I hope to never find out. I think my decision may ultimately depend on how close I am with the jilted spouse. If it's someone I felt close to and protective over (as I do with all of my truly close friends), I think I'd tell them. If the wronged spouse is more of an acquaintance, though, it's a tougher call.

Sue me. I'm pretty sure I'm in the minority on this one.

Wishy-washy

2008-04-25T12:01:00.004-04:00

From this week's "Savage Love":

Dear Amy: My husband of 20 years is in the middle of a major midlife crisis. He is unsatisfied with his job, our home and his life in general.

Things he used to enjoy have been pushed aside. He complains about everything, and has decided that he has been unhappy being married to me for the last 15 years.

He has a woman friend who suddenly has become his "right arm," and they have lunch together daily and spend hours on the phone with each other.

He claims they are just friends, but he also told me he has fallen in love with her. She is married and supposedly has no intention of leaving her husband, but she knows how my husband feels about her and encourages their relationship.

My husband is on the fence about whether or not he should stay married, given the situation. He says he still loves me, but he's just not in love with me.

He claims he's trying to figure out what will make him happy.

I, on the other hand, am miserable because I desperately love him and want us to work things out. He is cycling in and out of depression, and he flip-flops back and forth about staying together.

— Hurting

I hate that namby-pamby, wishy-washy, neither-in-nor-out statement: "I love you, but I'm not in love with you." What the hell does that mean? It's about as meaningful as "It's not you, it's me." Or another current favorite, "I've forgiven, but I can't forget." What the hell? Articulate what you mean, dammit, and don't resort to these meaningless, ambiguous, self-contradictory platitudes.

How's about, "I still care for you deeply and you're very important to me. I want to see you happy and I don't want to hurt you, but I don't think I'm in love with you anymore"? That's a bit better.

"I love you, but I'm not in love with you."

Give me a break.

Shut up, Dogbert. No one asked you. My dilldo hat is beautiful and fashionable.

Dan Savage is the baddest gay man there is

2008-04-24T10:42:00.004-04:00

From this week's "Savage Love" (Grrr, this is going to drive me crazy. A direct link to "Savage Love" off of the stranger.com website won't be available until next week, it looks like. I'm not going to re-post links a week after I post them, and I don't want to post a link to something that's going to change in a week's time. So I'm left linking to the chicagoreader.com. Feh.):

I’ve been reading your column for a few months, Dan, and I’m wondering a few things. What are your academic credentials (if any) that qualify you as some kind of sexpert? I suspect you have none. Are you a guy or a girl? Judging by the bias of your answers, my guess is that you’re a woman. Are you straight, gay, or bi? Single, married, or divorced? I’m sure your readers would love to know the answers to all of these questions. However, I suspect you haven’t got the balls to print this letter. —Chaz the Spaz

Dude, you say you've been reading his column for a few MONTHS, and you don't know if he's male or female, gay or straight? That's just not possible, Spazzy. Pants on fire.

Best part of Dan Savage's response? This bit:

Look my ass up on Google, CTS, and it says that I’m a fag. I’ve been with the same guy for 13-plus years, we’re husbands in Canada, boyfriends in the United States, and our young son’s loving parents wherever the fuck we go. I have never claimed to be a “sexpert,” whatever that is, and I do not doubt that the Playboy Advisor is a better man than me in every respect. The volume of mail I get prevents me from answering everyone personally.

It's unapologetic. It's unambiguous. It's "I'm fucking gay, you dumbass, and my partner and I even have a kid. Have your eyes popped out of your head yet?"

And yet, at the same time, it's a pretty sad testament to the state of the law in this country. Why can't gay people get married? Seems downright dumb to me.

Stop it.

2008-04-24T10:35:00.004-04:00

I am a young, straight male—but I have this obsession with male-on-male dino-dragon porn. I don’t get it. I’M SUPPOSED TO BE STRAIGHT! Am I psychotic or what? —Dino Really Are Gonna Overtake Now

. . . .

Get the fuck out of here.

Get out of my dreams, get into my car

2008-04-24T10:04:00.002-04:00

Dear Amy: My husband and I have a well-meaning landlord, who frequently comes into our apartment to do little repairs without telling us.

We appreciate that he is so attentive, but it has gotten to the point where we can't relax because we're afraid he'll barge in on us.

He knocks once on the door and, if we don't come to the door right away, he lets himself in.

Several times on Saturdays, we have heard a knock on the door and had to jump out of bed before he could let himself in.

The other day, I didn't have to go into work and had just gotten out of the shower. He simply let himself into the apartment without even knocking and caught me dressed only in a towel.

God, that is SO HOT.

Going to be needing a moment or two alone, boys and girls.

Snotty snot snot.

2008-04-24T09:58:00.002-04:00

Dear Amy: I have a 6-year-old daughter. A friend of mine has three children, ages 17 months, 31/2 and 6. Our 6-year-olds are friends.The problem arises every time the 6-year-olds receive an invitation to a birthday party or other event. The last four times my friend has asked me to drive her 6-year-old. It boils down to the fact that she doesn't want to have to deal with getting her three children into the car, and her husband won't help.

Her child is difficult—she doesn't mind me. I don't want to be put on the spot, but I don't have a good reason not to assist.

I realize that with one child it is much easier for me, but that is the choice my husband and I made.

Am I out of line for not wanting to help every time something comes up?

—Raising One Only

Dear Raising: It would be nice of you to lend a hand to an overwhelmed mother from time to time. Until you've walked a mile in another mother's Huggies, you can't know what it's like to try and transport three young kids.

You are certainly not obligated to help, however. Your friend would advance her own cause if she found a way to reciprocate.

You could split the difference by saying to her, "I can take the kids today if you can manage to pick them up." That's saving both of you one trip. Otherwise, if you don't want to do this sort of favor, you'll have to tell her.

So wait.

You're put out because someone asks you to drive her daughter someplace you're already going.

Wow. That must be awful for you. I agree. Your friend is a monster.

Thoroughly Modern Huckster

2008-04-24T09:50:00.004-04:00

From today's Hax (they stopped calling it "Tell Me About It" after she went daily in the Washington Post, didn't they? It didn't click for me until just this second. Duh.):

Carolyn:

I'll never understand how people can be freshly out of a long-term relationship and jump right back into the dating pool. Then when they start seeing somebody steadily, they have to freak out that it's getting serious. Shouldn't they really save the drama and keep to themselves for a while? If you don't want to be serious or lead someone on, then don't date.

Don't Get It

People don't reduce so neatly to formulas, unfortunately. People can be "fresh out of" a relationship and their wounds can be old, healed and long since dealt with, while some people don't start the healing process till they've been broken up for a year or two (if ever). So the former may be ready to date right away, and the latter still not ready after a perfectly acceptable amount of time has elapsed.

Add in the variables of self-awareness -- some people think they're ready and aren't, and vice versa -- and you're going to get the usual array of seemingly preventable oopses. So proceed slowly. Given what we all witness daily in the arena of human behavior, I would find it harder to grasp if everyone got it exactly right the first time.

What does "just dating" mean in today's world of singles, which is filled with wonders I never knew when I was single, such as fuck buddies and shaved cootchies? Because to me, when you're "just dating" the whole question of getting serious is open-ended. It might happen, it might not.

Does it need to be determined early on in the "just dating" period whether both parties are on the same page? Maybe it would be a bit less painful to discover that one party isn't ready if you get that out of the way early, but it's not much less of an inconvenience, is it?

I don't know. I think I've been out of the dating pool too long. I think this post was really just an excuse to post the words "shaved cootchie" and "fuck buddies."

I love living in the future.

Just ask him already!

2008-04-23T14:15:00.001-04:00

From today's "Miss Manners":

After three years of dating my boyfriend, I feel increasingly resentful, used and HURT, because he still hasn’t proposed.

He’s in his early 50’s, never married; dating a single mom and being involved with my child, 7, has been a huge milestone for him. I said from day one that I want to get married.

After two years, we moved in together but I started to feel very uncomfortable without being engaged.

He refers to me as his wife when I’m not around.

Money’s not an issue - he’s very generous with us.

When my patience went, we had more and more fights and I got more and more bitchy. So, the more he DIDN’T want to marry me and the more pained I felt.

Lately, we’re finally getting back on track but I’ve lost that little girl's dream of a beautiful wedding with him.

He’s the best thing that ever happened to me, a great guy with a heart of gold, who loves my daughter as his own. I think he will propose one day.

But now I don’t know how to deal with my resentment. I want to punish him by saying NO when and if he finally proposes, but at the same time I’m hoping he will.

- Unwanted

Get a grip on the good stuff – he loves you, has stayed through this turbulent period, and things are improving.

Your “punishing him” notion is foolish and self-defeating, so drop it.

Instead, show this guy the assurance he seems to need, that marriage is far more than the fantasy wedding you imagined… it’s the path to make you and your child feel secure, to commit YOU to him as well as HIM to you, such that the traditional part about “sickness and health, good times and bad,” really holds true for all.

"Punish him"? You're kidding, right? Please tell me you were kidding, "Unwanted," because if you weren't, I can see why your boyfriend hasn't proposed yet (although why he chose to move in with you in a different question entirely).

For f#%k's sake, if it's that important to you, then how's 'bout YOU PROPOSE TO HIM?

If he says no, he says no, and you can deal with the fall out at that point. Granted, the only way to deal with it might be this way:

But at least you'd have a final answer instead of sitting on your hands waiting for something that's not going to come.

You shouldn't be looking for ways to force someone to do something they clearly don't want to do. You've made it plain how important it is to be married. Your boyfriend knows this. And apparently, your desire to get married doesn't trump his desire not to get married.

This entire letter is just another in the theme of "How can I change him Abby/Amy/Carolyn/Ellie?" And it's just wrongheaded. He's in his 50s. He ain't gonna change. You've made your feelings clear. He has chosen to ignore them. You have to deal with those cards as they've been dealt to you. No backsies.

And is this more about being married or about the "little girl's dream of a beautiful wedding"? Because if it's the latter, well, all I can say to that is grow up. A marriage is much more than a wedding. So much more.

Final red flag: "Money’s not an issue - he’s very generous with us."

What, pray tell, was this woman's definition of "issue" to begin with? Is money an issue if this guy couldn't support her? Or if he didn't share his money with her? Whatever happened to the idea of self-sufficiency?

You say "money isn't an issue" when you don't want or need his money. If you think money's not an issue because he gives plenty of it to you, then I want to club you like a baby seal.

Contrast that with the first letter in today's "Dear Abby." There, money isn't an issue because the letter writer is secure financially, has her home paid off, earns a good income, and has her own pension. THAT, my friend, is where money isn't an issue.

Pot. Kettle.

2008-04-23T09:22:00.004-04:00

Dear Miss Manners:

What do you do when your only daughter has her mother (a redneck) escort her down the aisle instead of her living father? The mother is the force behind this.

. . . .

Her mother's side is more controlling. As aunt and uncles, we all sent gifts, but all went unrecognized. We have excused this with lack of manners from parents.

Should we lower ourselves as rednecks and take care of them in a restroom? Or pretend their actions are a slap in the face to our family, especially my brother, who did the best that he could as a young dad and adult? It leaves me to believe that they are vindictive and money grubbers.

I'm pretty much leaving alone the real reason why this person wrote in. A guy's adult daughter is having her mother walk her down the aisle instead of him, I get that. It hurts. That really sucks. It's nevertheless her choice. Maybe her mother forced her into the decision. Maybe not. We'll never know. The fact remains that the daughter is an adult (theoretically) capable of standing up to a manipulative parent. That she's going along with having her mother walk her down the aisle should be the end of the story. Dad can express his hurt/disappointment in a casual, non-manipulative way, but that's the extent of his options. Not about you, dude.

That said, what really got me was how casually and readily the letter writer tossed around the term "rednecks," and the reference to toilet stall justice. Gives you the impression that the letter writer doesn't exactly use tablecloths, sip Sauvignon Blanc, or subscribe to Architectural Digest, doesn't it? This doesn't go unnoticed by "Miss Manners." She says:

Her suggestion is that you all calm down and not hurl charges of ignorance (along with other insults) that could better be used against you.

Sadly, the very premise of "Miss Manners" prohibits a calling out of the letter writer on this. It would be untoward for an etiquette maven to call someone who wrote into her a hag or a pig.

Fortunately, I have no such restrictions.

Dude (or Dudette, I'm an equal opportunity name-caller), you're a total douchebag. And Vienna sausages and Twinkies are not good finger foods.

Consider your options

2008-04-22T11:20:00.002-04:00

From yesterday's "Tales from the Front":

Dear Cheryl: This may be an opportunity for you to save a life and a marriage, although I'm not optimistic. I'm 55 years old, and my 30th wedding anniversary is next month. But I don't think I'll be celebrating. If my wife and I have sex once a month, it's a good month. And I have to beg for that. I feel sex is important to a happy, healthy marriage. My wife doesn't agree. She thinks I focus on sex too much.

I understand a woman's desire will change over time, but there are things a couple can do if they care about each other's needs. I masturbate often, which makes me feel lonely. My wife is opposed to counseling, so we're at a stalemate. This has been going on for years. I don't want to leave her. I love her and I believe she loves me, but she doesn't show it physically.

I've thought about suicide. Some days I feel so alone, I just want it all to end. This is no way to live.

—Sad

Dear Sad: Cut out this column and give it to your wife. Tell her this is you and this is your life.

Ask her what she's willing to do to save you and save the marriage. Will she make an appointment with her gynecologist to see if there's a physical or hormonal problem? Will she talk to a religious adviser? Will she reconsider counseling? Will she buy some books and read them with you? Will she attend marital workshops?

If she's not willing to do anything, then you have to ask what kind of commitment she has to you and the marriage. It may be time for you to consider your options—and suicide is not one of them. Good luck and please stay in touch.

Too bad. If this dude had written to "Savage Love" instead of "Tales from the Front," he would have gotten much different advice, and at least one key option that conventional advice columnists are loathe to suggest.

Sex is HUGE in a marriage. Just about the only thing I can think of that might make a couple more incompatible than sexual incompatibility is being different species. So sure, marital counseling and counseling with a qualified sex therapist -- not to mention a visit by the wife to her OB/GYN to rule out anything biological -- are all high up on the list of options.

Failing that, though, what's left? Suicide is ridiculous, of course. Divorce, then? Why not consider something that Dan Savage refers to from time to time and just ask the wife for permission to fuck around? I mean, what's the worst that can happen? She'll divorce you?

I'M JUST ENTHUSIASTIC.

2008-04-22T11:09:00.003-04:00

From today's "Tell Me About It":

Dear Carolyn:

I've recently started dating this great guy. He's smart, funny, etc., and we have an amazing time together. I think this relationship could become really serious. The problem is that when he kisses me, I feel like I'm being attacked by a wild animal. How do I talk to him about it without hurting his feelings?

I Know This Is Silly but . . .

Oh God, YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT ME, AREN'T YOU?!?!?

*runs off sobbing*

LOVE. HER.

2008-04-21T23:01:00.005-04:00

I just have to quote the advice portion of Sunday's "Tell Me About It":

[B]eing "driven" is seriously overrated.

Certainly I'm glad some people are. We all enjoy -- in fact, take for granted -- countless fruits of other people's elective 80-hour workweeks.

I simply reject the implication that it's necessary, or even desirable, for everyone to be driven. People pulling elective 80-hour weeks certainly enjoy -- in fact, take for granted -- the fruits of other people's rejection of that life.

It's not just poets, volunteers and people who make sure they have nothing more pressing to do than walk at their toddler's pace. It's people who think 40 hours more than suffice.

If you could see me right now, you'd see little hearts popping around my head in a halo fashion.

This passage should be etched into the graduation caps of every B.A./M.A./J.D./Ph.D. who makes their way into our fair over-educated and over-achieving city each year. Hell, tattoo it in reverse on their foreheads so they can see it every morning when they look in the mirror.

Be happy. Being an over-achiever for over-achievement's sake isn't the be all and end all. Your annual bonus isn't going to give you a sloppy blow job at the end of the night. I suppose it would help you buy one, but there's a dude from New York with a huge sloping forehead who might have a word of caution about that.

Really? Seriously? Oh, come on.

2008-04-21T21:54:00.007-04:00

From Sunday's "Ask Amy" (Hello, Amy! I missed you!):

Dear Amy: Eighteen months ago my wife and I separated. While we were separated, my wife got into a relationship with another man. In her words, I didn't love her right.

We decided to work on our relationship, so we got back together. She said that while she cared for this man, she valued her marriage (we have three kids) more and that she would never see or talk to him again.

I asked her on numerous occasions if she had been in contact with him. She repeatedly said no. Well, I found out that she continued to talk to him (she swears that nothing else happened).

I gave her another chance to stop that relationship. Once again, she said she would but continued it anyway. I subsequently asked her to leave our house.

She realizes some of what she did was wrong and says she wants to work on our marriage or at least our friendship only if I would allow her to gracefully end that relationship, seek counseling and love her differently.

I said I would consider it if she ended it with him. Maybe we could start by being friends.

Now she says if we are going to just be friends, then she can talk to whomever she wants and I can't choose her friends. I said I wouldn't accept her continued contact with the man she cheated on me with.

Is there a possibility of a relationship if I don't trust her?

—Confused

Dear Confused: You and your wife cannot commit to working on your marriage as long as a third party is involved.

I agree with your wife that the two of you should seek counseling and love each other differently. Otherwise, her choice to stay in a relationship with someone who stands in the way of your reconciliation means that she doesn't want to work on your marriage or your friendship.

The other man should be the one "non-negotiable" in this scenario.

Friendships—and marriages—thrive when two parties agree to respect each other and to sacrifice for each other. Obviously, there is no possibility for any kind of honest relationship if you don't trust her. But you have your children to consider—you must find a way to be parents together.

Couples counseling would help you clarify some of the murkiness.

I copied the entire letter and Amy's entire response because when I read the thing, I was waiting for her to get on the guy for the bolded part, above. But I should have known better. She's been disappointing me for YEARS. Why would this day have been different from any other?

Seriously? "Cheating on [him]"? Okay, I can understand that there's likely emotional cheating going on here, post-reconciliation. But from the guy's letter, I don't think an emotional affair is what he's talking about. Maybe I'm wrong, but I think he's talking about the boots knockin'. The bumpin' of the uglies. And really, weren't he and his wife "on a break" as we used to say in the 90s (yes, it was already a decade ago)?

They were separated. At best, this is adultery by technicality. Is this what we've come to? This is a marriage we're talking about, not a round of golf. It's the spirit of the law that should control, not the letter. Yes, they were technically still married, but if two people are separated without any intention of reconciling, then is it really cheating? Come on.

More and more these days, I seem to be encountering people who like to cry foul when their estranged spouse takes up with someone else while the couple is in a period of separation. The innocent spouse takes the opportunity to play the victim and make a play for onlooker sympathy by claiming he/she was cheated on.

Cheated on? Give me a break.

"Confused" and his wife should have been clear on the terms of their separation. Were they going to file for divorce? Was there a chance of reconciliation? If there was any question between the two, the "Confused" might have wanted to consider saying, "Hey, hon? While we're separated, I'd really appreciate it if you wouldn't go around sharing your cooter with other dudes, 'kay? Thanks. Bye."

But you leave everything (the terms of the separation, the question of dating) open for (mis-)interpretation, you're just begging for trouble. I'll guess that's what got this guy and his surely-soon-to-be-ex-wife into trouble in the first place.

I'm back

2008-04-21T20:47:00.004-04:00

Just when I thought I was out, they pull me back in.

FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, PLEASE DO NOT REPRODUCE!

2006-04-11T11:37:00.001-04:00

From today's "Ask Elie":

DEAR ELLIE: I'm a high school student who has been talking to this guy for four months, and this "relationship" is sometimes a disaster.

We don't talk on the phone for days and when he finally calls he questions why I never called him. He says he wants to be in a relationship with me but he doesn't want to call me his girlfriend.

This is partly my fault because, from other hopeless relationships, I have trust issues and don't keep my word with him. Now I don't trust him. I was waiting for him to get off work, then he walked past me with another female. He later said he didn't see me and that she's just a friend.

We're both still friends with our exes, but I get jealous.

I want this to work, but I feel like I'm just running in circles. What can I do?

HOPELESS ROMANTIC

Not being able to keep your word isn't a "trust issue," you chimp. It just means you're unreliable, irresponsible and hopelessly immature. Sounds like you deserve each other.

My wife is so much nicer to me than my mistress.

2006-04-11T11:32:00.001-04:00

From today's "Just Joan":

Q I HAVE made a very big mistake. I left my wife for another woman. I must have been out of my mind.

But she told me she was pregnant and I felt I had to do the right thing.

My wife can't have kids and, although I never blamed her, I admit I would have liked to have been a father.

But the minute I moved in with the other woman, it all started to go wrong.

She is nearly 20 years younger than me and already has a kid. She expected me to look after her while she went out with her friends, including other men.

She also spent my money like water. Then I noticed she didn't seem to be getting fatter and, when I confronted her, she said she had miscarried but hadn't wanted to upset me by telling me. I now think she was never pregnant at all.

I told her I was leaving and she said she didn't care. When I got home from work, all my belongings were in black bin-b ags on the doorstep.

I had to spend the night in my car as I had nowhere to stay. I plucked up the courage to ask my wife to take me back as I have never really stopped loving her.

But she won't take me back. How do I convince her that I have learned my lesson in the hardest way possible?

A SO you realised you had always loved your wife, did you? How convenient that that particular penny dropped two minutes after your fancy woman threw you out.

Fortunately, your wife is no dafter than I am and wasn't fooled by your sudden change of heart.

You may well have learned your lesson, but she has learned hers as well, which means she is not prepared to give you a second chance.

I doubt she is going to change her mind. She might eventually take pity on you but I wouldn't bank on it. Although I suppose you could ask her if she's willing to go to Couple Counselling. My feeling, however, is that she'll prefer to see a lawyer and start proceedings to get legally shot of you.

So I am afraid there isn't a lot you can do apart from accepting the mess you are in was brought on entirely by yourself.

Now you've got to make the best of it by sorting out digs and so on. At least you've got a job and, although the other woman cleaned you out, you're still earning which means you can start again.

I know it won't be easy. But then neither was it easy for your wife when you walked out on her for your toy girl, was it? What goes around comes around, mate.

Okay, now that we're done beating the guy over the head for leaving his wife for another (younger) woman, can we at least do him the favor of pointing out the obvious?

It's ridiculous for this guy to say that he never stopped loving his wife and that he's learned his lesson. If he loved his wife, he wouldn't have left her. And what lesson did he learn? That the next time he decides to ditch the old hag for some young tart, he should make sure she's not a golddigging whore first?

Nothing in this guy's letter demonstrates how or why he still loves his wife. It only tells the story of a man who's out of options and is looking for a safety net.

For the record, I suck at Blackjack. And all other forms of gambling.

2006-04-11T11:22:00.001-04:00

Dear Amy: A few months ago, my father told me he has an account that my mother doesn't know about that he uses to bet on poker online. He says the reason she doesn't know about this is because online transactions make her nervous. I doubt this.

All of this raises questions about the extent of my father's gambling and the state of their marriage. I'm not sure what to think.

I know there are times when he is online for hours. But my mom handles all the bills in the household. I can't imagine how he could be funneling large amounts of money into an account without her knowing; as far as I know, she is careful with every dime they make.

I don't know if the fact that he gambles online is a secret to her but it sure sounds that way. Maybe I'm old-fashioned but I think that's quite a secret to keep in a relationship, particularly a 30-year marriage. I am concerned about the gambling itself and wonder how bad it must be for him to feel he needs to keep it from my mother.

Sooner or later she will find out. I feel like I'll be the target of her anger and disappointment for not saying anything.

I thought about asking him to tell her, but he is really argumentative, not a fan of other peoples' suggestions, and he and I don't have a lot of alone time.

-- Can't Win

Dear Can't: I wonder why your father told you about his gambling. Could it be that he wants help?

That's one way to begin this conversation.

You: "Dad, why did you tell me about your online poker habit?"

He: "I don't know why. Just forget about it."

You: "Well, I can't forget about it. And you know I can't keep something this important from Mom, right?"

He: "Yes you can."

You: "No, actually, I can't. So you have to tell her about this, or I'll have to. I'm worried about you, Dad."

Your father could be hiding his spending in myriad ways. For information on compulsive gambling, you can check www.Gam-Anon.org. Gam-Anon is devoted to education and treatment for addicted gamblers and the people who care about them.

So I got together with an old friend this weekend. A guy I’ve known since I was about 12. We hadn’t seen each other in years, so we spent a few hours just getting caught up with each other, talking about old friends and figuring out what everyone from our past was up to.

At one point, he asked about a couple of ex-girlfriends and asked me if I would introduce either of these exes of mine to my wife, and more importantly, if I would introduce them as ex-girlfriends. And I responded (quite honestly) that in one case I would, in the other case I wouldn’t. The one I would introduce to my wife, we had a relationship that is now deader than John Lennon. Good times, good memories, but it all ended in a rather senseless bloodbath that no one wants to re-live. The other, well, it’s more like Elvis. By any rational and sane measure, everything that we ever had is dead and gone, but if we were to explore the lunatic fringe, there’s going to be a sighting here and there, if you get what I mean. *winkwink* *nudgenudge* That’s why I wouldn’t introduce the two, and that’s why I keep my distance from that woman.

Anyway, what does all this have to do with this letter today? Well, maybe “Can’t Win” and Amy are really reading too much into this situation. It’s really assuming the worst to think that “Can’t Win’s” father was making some kind of desperate plea for help by disclosing that he has a secret account that he gambles with, isn’t it? Why assume that he has mountains of gambling debt? “Can’t Win” said him/herself that her mother usually keeps a tight fist around the finances, so it’s unlikely that “Can’t Win’s” dad has been betting a nickel a hand, right? (Look at me! “A nickel!” I used a gambling term!)

Maybe “Can’t Win’s” dad just made – what he thought was – an innocuous remark, like I think I did with my old friend the other night. Maybe we shouldn’t read more into this than there is. If it’s reasonable to assume “Can’t Win’s” dad has some kind of huge gambling problem, then isn’t it equally reasonable to assume that I’m some kind of compulsive philanderer? Admittedly, it's problematic for anyone to have an account that he keeps secret from his wife because he uses it to gamble, but don't we need to know more before assuming the worst-case scenario? Would it change things if the size of the account were $500 or $50,000?

Personally, I think that Amy gets a bee in her bonnet about a lot of things. Personal ads, for example. Teenagers, for another. And now, gambling. Maybe she was a member of the Christian Coalition in a former life. I hear they eat children.

Addicted to love.

2006-04-11T10:58:00.001-04:00

Dear Amy: I have been married for 20 years and love my husband and children.

I became emotionally involved with a man I work with. We shared intimate details of our lives, and I feel that he listened to me in a way my husband never could.

My husband discovered this relationship and we began marriage counseling. I vowed to him that I would sever this relationship but have found that to be impossible.

I am miserable about continuing to deceive my husband and disappointed in my lack of willpower.

Could this behavior be considered an addiction?

-- Bewildered

Dear Bewildered: Yes. Your behavior could be considered an addiction.

Now, what are you going to do about it?

Addicts who want to recover say things like, "I am miserable about continuing to deceive my husband and disappointed in my lack of willpower."

It's time to get yourself into rehab.

For you, "rehab" means going to counseling and exercising a measure of restraint while you explore what is really going on in your life and why you chose to be enveloped in an emotional connection outside of your family. You might benefit from reading "Is It Love or Is It Addiction?" by psychotherapist Brenda Schaeffer (1997, Hazelden).

Addicts also have to remove themselves from the source of their addiction in order to work toward recovery. You may need to change jobs.

I wonder what Amy thinks "Bewildered" might be addicted to? She doesn't address that point in particular, but it seems to me from Amy's last sentence that she believes "Bewildered" is addicted to this co-worker of hers.

To which I say, "horseshit."

I simply cannot believe there is a biological basis for an addiction to another person. While one may become addicted to the sense of euphoria that is created in them by their interaction with another person, that's different from saying that the person is addicted to the other person.

In which case, simply quitting her job will likely not solve "Bewildered's" problems. What about the next guy she becomes "emotionally involved with"? What then? Why not address the reasons she feels emotionally needful enough to seek out the comfort of another man in the first place? Maybe she needs to get another marriage counselor, because her current one doesn't seem to be getting through to her.

Keeping an eye on Focker.

2006-04-11T10:41:00.001-04:00

From today's "Dear Abby":
Asssshhhhhhhhhhhhh -- hooooooooooooooooooooooollllllee. The topic is whether to use babytalk with your infant or not, and whether doing so will stunt their growth.

I have to be honest: I'm not so concerned with making my kid a genius or anything like that. I've got my hands full just making sure he doesn't eat his own boogers.

Non-biological baby daddy? I don't get it. Clearly, I haven't been watching enough Maury.

2006-04-10T12:23:00.001-04:00

DEAR ELLIE: I just discovered that my girlfriend of two years has her "nonbiological baby daddy" living with her.

He has been around the child for the last four years. I feel he only comes around when he needs something from her. He uses the child's love for him plus my girlfriend's passion for having a father figure around.

She tells me there's nothing between them, but her attitude has changed. She tells me how much she loves me. I feel she's only trying to hold on to me until he or she figures out what they're going to do.

Should I leave or stick it out?

SECOND PLACE

DEAR SECOND PLACE: For readers who are confused, a "nonbiological baby daddy" is an ex-boyfriend who took on the role of stepfather.

For guys dating women with children, you should know upfront about the possibility of such an ongoing relationship. It's natural that a mother would want the strong bond between her child and a father figure to continue, but not for long after there's a new man on the scene. Any passing on of that male role, however, can only happen once both Mom and her child feel secure that the new guy is there to stay.

So ask yourself if you've assured her of your long-term intentions. And examine whether you've assumed a place in the child's life as well.

If yes, then insist this guy has got to go. If he truly loves the child, he should be permitted to visit from time to time, but it has to be clear that you're the only man who's sharing this woman's life.

A couple of problems with this:

1. Why should the guy have to assure his girlfriend of his long-term intentions? Isn't the larger problem here the girl's wanting to hedge her bets by keeping both guys in the picture? Granted, she may not be having romantic relations with her ex, but I think to believe that it's a wholly innocent relationship would be akin to wrapping a turd in bacon and assume your dog isn't going to eat it because he's been trained. It's just begging for trouble.

2. Who is this guy to insist that the other guy has to go? That's a decision that the girlfriend has to make of her own volition. You can't make someone else grow up and you can't control their actions. You can make it known what your preferences are, but if they don't accommodate those requests, what are you going to do? "Put your foot down"? "Insist upon it"? "Demand that changes be made"? This isn't a turkey sandwich, it's a relationship, and the other integral party in the relationship isn't that guy in the goofy hat from Quizno's who does whatever you tell him to do. The other person in a relationship has to come to the right decision on his or her own. You can't force it.

Stop. Do not pass go. Do not collect $200.

2006-04-08T12:59:00.001-04:00

From yesteryday's "Ask Amy":

Dear Amy: Last year, I got out of a really bad 18-year marriage. My ex was abusive. After the end of my marriage, I was forced to take in a roommate. The individual I chose is a very close platonic friend who, until last year, I had been out of touch with for years.

He recently met my daughter for the first time, and they bonded. Since this meeting, he has been pressuring her to move home -- in with us.

While I agree that this is where she needs to be, he has come across as very controlling of the entire situation. I just got out of a controlling relationship and do not need the pressure of another controlling man in my life. I am having trouble expressing my feelings to him about his behavior. My daughter feels that he is acting fatherly.

Whoa.

While this relationship is purely platonic and is an amazing friendship, I will admit that I love him very much. My daughter feels that this relationship is headed in another direction, but I don't see that happening. However, there is definitely an air of permanency in this living situation.

-- Confused in Denver

Dear Confused: You don't say how old your daughter is or illuminate your misgivings, so in the absence of more details, I'm going to tell you to follow your gut instincts. Something is telling you that this is not right, and even if you can't put your finger on what exactly is wrong with this arrangement, listen to the little voice that tells you to be careful.

Sometimes women who have been with controlling and abusive men find themselves drawn to other men with similar characteristics. You might be unwittingly seeking this sort of relationship -- because it is what you know.

This scenario is littered with red flags. Please pay attention to them. You say you can't express yourself to him (another red flag), so please find someone -- preferably a professional counselor -- to talk to before you take any steps that could place you or others in your household at risk.

Confused needs to get some help with her relationships with men, because her foibles are being picked up on by her daughter. Her daughter now apparently thinks that controlling behavior is synonymous with fatherhood, and that's just screwed up.

I tell you this because Amy can't.

2006-04-08T12:45:00.001-04:00

Dear Amy: I have a wonderful, bright and loving 10-year-old daughter whose face is bent out of shape because I won't let her buy an iPod, even with her own money.

We have agreed that we will abide by your decision.

She has great grades, is active and is a parent's dream. My major concern is that her hearing can be damaged by using this iPod.

We both read your column, and your word goes with us. Please help us resolve this so I can see my daughter unscrew her face at last.

-- Wondering Mom

Dear Mom: While I'm happy that your family regards me as the Great and Powerful Oz, I'd like to hand this back to you.

In your family, you should be the Great and Powerful Oz. I'll weigh in and offer my opinion, however. Then I'll ride shotgun.

I'm saying "no" to the whole iPod idea. The first reason I'm saying no is because you're saying no.

A recent poll shows that your motherly instincts are right. Teens and younger adults are reporting that they don't think they hear as well as they should. Audiologists say that the use of ear buds and cell phones seems to be adversely affecting their hearing. Pretty soon, the answer to the question "Can you hear me now?" will be, "Huh?"

IPods are extremely expensive and deceptively delicate. A 10-year-old with an iPod is a target to have it quickly taken from her, lost or broken. But that's not even the most important point. You should set a reasonable deadline at which time you will revisit this issue, perhaps when your daughter is 12 or so. You decide.

Your family has its own values, and no amount adolescent face-bending should affect that.

It's terrific that your daughter is wonderful, bright and an all-around great kid. She'll continue to be that without iTunes, I'm sure.

On the issue of volume levels, there's a control setting that permits people (read: parents) to control the maximum decibel output level coming out of their iPods (Nanos and fifth-generation iPods and later, whatever that means). Click here for the tutorial on how to do this. FYI, I think 85 dB is the level at which prolonged exposure can cause hearing damage.

I didn't know West Virginia was founded by Scots.

2006-04-06T11:09:00.002-04:00

I already explained who Joan Burnie of "Just Joan" is in an earlier post today. There's another gem in her column today:

Q I FOUND my son in bed with his step sister. He is 17 and she is 18.

I married her father 10 years ago and I just don't know what to do.

They have both asked me not to tell my husband but say they have no intention of ending the relationship.

It seems they have been sleeping together for over a year.

He says he loves her and won't ever give her up. I am at a loss for what to do next. Please help.

A IF it eases yourmind any, I can assure you that what your son and step daughter are doing isn't, as I think you may fear, incest.

They don't share a parent so are not blood relatives. But it's still an awkward situation and I don't believe you should keep it from your husband.

But can I suggest the more you oppose their relationship, the more determined they'll be to be together.

These teenage affairs can get very intense but they do tend to fizzle out. But you never know, it could last and if it does, there isn't anything, legally or otherwise, wrong with it.

Say what, now?

This set of step-siblings has apparently been living together as step-brother and step-sister since they were 7 and 8, respectively. They may not produce any mongrel, hunchback, cyclops, mutant, Hitler babies, but that's hardly the point. This sure as hell isn't harmless behavior. Emotionally, these two are siblings. How do you justify throwing your hands up in the air and saying "Oh well, horny kids will be horny kids"?

And by the way, don't ever do a Google image search for the term "incest baby" with Safesearch turned off. Maybe all those people that put those images on the web are "Just Joan" readers.

Growing up.

2006-04-06T10:02:00.001-04:00

DEAR ELLIE: l'm 28 and have four sisters and a brother. My elder sister is way too controlling. l lived with her four years until I decided to live by myself, last year.

She's 34, married and has her own house. I moved out because I just couldn't keep up with her. But she's still on my back like l'm a 12-year-old.

She wants to know how I spend my money, like what new clothes I've bought, how much money I have in my account, how much money I bring home every month.

I tolerated everything when l was in her house, but I cannot go on like this. I've had no freedom, especially where money is concerned. I don't want to tell her off in a rude way, but in a very respectful way so she can understand how I've felt having her as my sister.

Please help me handle this problem because it feels very abnormal to me.

CONFUSED

DEAR CONFUSED: It's not abnormal for the oldest siblings in large families to assume the role of parent. Often they believe it's their responsibility to do so, having been encouraged that way when young. So you're not alone with this problem.

The normal response is for you, as you grow up, to set boundaries. Naturally, when you were living in her home and partaking of her care and interest, you were in the old dependent position, and perhaps you wanted some of that, so it's not all her fault.

You've taken the right step in moving out. Now, you must define your independence, and respectfully help her to back off.

Start with money. Here's a respectful way to respond that's designed to end her interrogations: "Sis, you've taught me well, and now I'm able to handle my money myself. I'll be keeping track of what I earn and what I spend, so that's no longer something you have to worry about."

Then create a budget for yourself and stick to it, so you won't need her help again in that area.

One of the best things I ever did for myself happened when my mother asked me how much money I was making.

I told her she didn't need to know that. It was the start of me laying down my boundaries, and I haven't regretted it for a second.

I weep for the future of this country.

2006-04-06T09:59:00.001-04:00

Today's "Tales from the Front" relates tales from readers on the subject of strip clubs:

DEAR ELLIE: I'm 15, and I met this totally hot babe. She said she's interested in me and has tried to get close and physical.

I always panic though, so she leaves -- but comes back. What should I do?

LOVE STRUCK BUT SCARED

Duuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuude, you should totally hit that.

The babe keeps on coming back for more. She's diggin' your action, man! Like, totally!

Baby, you're so money and you don't even know it.

I must have missed that day in parenting class.

2006-04-06T09:55:00.001-04:00

I've discovered a new (at least, to me) advice columnist named Joan Burnie. She writes "Just Joan" for a UK publication called The Daily Record (I think it's specifically a Scottish newspaper).

Yesterday, she had a tidbit in there about how it's off the mark to perceive stripping as one step removed from prostitution and that not all strippers are drug-addicted crack whores. Or something. In any event, it would have played nicely off of my tidbit yesterday noting a comment made in "Tales from the Front" that bespoke of an underlying opinion that all men who go to strip clubs (and therefore, the clubs and the dancers, too) were sleazy degenerates. But alas, The Daily Record doesn't really keep Joan's columns up any longer than a day or two and yesterday's column is lost to the sands of time now.

Ah well.

I still found fodder in today's column:

Q MY mum and my step dad have decided to move to Spain when he retires in a couple of months.

I am married and have two kids, a boy aged four and a six-year-old girl but my mum has never been the sort of gran who baby sat so they aren't going to miss her all that much.

If it was just her and my step father, I'd be happy for them to go. But the problem is my half sister. She is 14 and she says she will not move to Spain because she wants to stay here, take her exams and go to uni.

So my mum thinks I should take her. But she's a typical teenager and I am not sure I want the responsibility. I have a part-time job and what with that and coping with my own kids, it's going to be very difficult. Also my kids have separate bedrooms but if my half sister comes to live with us, they will have to share.

My husband is against it, although he is understanding and says if I decide to take her in he'll go along with it.

I feel annoyed with my mum, but I don't want to be selfish.

A CLEARLY you haven't inherited this guilt gene from your mother. The woman has some cheek and if anyone is being selfish, it's her.

So she wants to move to Spain - fine. She can, but not until her daughter is old enough to look after herself. That is what being a mum means. You have to put your kids' needs in front of your own. And yes, sometimes it's hard but your mum isn't caring about what's best for either of her daughters.

Of course she'll insist it's not her fault your half sister doesn't want to come with her - but she's 14 and it is a bit much to expect her to leave everything behind.

There may well be advantages to living in a foreign country but at this point in her education, it doesn't make a lot of sense.

Young teenagers also need their mums close at hand. Your mum should postpone emigrating until the girl's sat her Highers. So tell your mum that while you're willing to help out, you can't take on a full-time 14-year-old lodger.

She won't like it. But I doubt even she will be callous enough to leave her daughter behind. After all she can still enjoy the long school holidays in Spain - and it will also give her time to find out if she wants to live abroad.

But, if all else fails, I have a feeling you couldn't live with yourself if you didn't give your sister a home.

So my guess is she'll end up with you. Good luck.

Damn! I didn't know that you had to get approval to move from your minor child! I'm so glad Joan covered that for me. Damnitalltohell, I fucking suck. See? That's why we should have an international exam and uniform licensing standards to become parents! To keep idiots like me off the payroll!

Look, SHE'S FOURTEEN. I'm sorry, but she doesn't get a say in where she lives. She doesn't want to move? Too bad. Believe me, I know that uprooting and relocating to another country is a really traumatic experience for a child that age, but the point isn't that it's traumatic. Rather, it's that SHE'S A CHILD. What, should her parents have to clear their choice of employment with their child, too? What about their religion? Come on.

Now, I understand and even buy into the thought of asking an adult child if she would allow her minor sibling to move in with her. But that's really a much less desireable option than having the kid move with you, kicking and screaming, to Spain. I agree with Joan: A child needs her mother. But if her adult sister can and wants to take her in and the 14 year old would be horribly traumatized by the move, then sure, consider allowing her to stay with her sister.

But by no means do you put off your move simply because your kid doesn't like it.

Hell, if I allowed my kid to make all those choices for me, we'd eat nothing but hot dogs and oreos, and we'd watch Spongebob and Dora the Explorer 24/7.

Living by my wits!

2006-04-05T16:48:00.001-04:00

Sybil: "Insecurity is not necessarily the reason women object to strippers at bachelor parties. Many of us pity the women who view their naked bodies as simply a way to make money. (Really, it's one step away from prostitution.) We also dislike the men who treat these women like objects, and we wonder about the guys who have to pay to see a woman naked."

Well, considering that a good chunk of the men at any given strip club are MARRIED, wouldn't you rather have them pay to see a woman naked than have them go about it any other way? Because it's going to happen. Men are just going to want to see women they're not married to get nekkid. Better this way than having the men try to talk the women out of their clothes, no?

I have to meet this guy.

2006-04-05T16:38:00.002-04:00

Dear Amy: Some of us at work took a camping trip to a remote region in the Oregon forest. A coed group of us did some drinking and smoked a little pot. We watched in secret while one of my male co-workers swam naked in a stream. Some of us even took pictures of him with our cell phones. We thought it was funny at the time. Now I'm super-embarrassed whenever we work together.

The others in our group don't want to tell him because he's in a supervisory role -- he's a pharmacist, and I'm a pharmacy technician. They think he might make the workplace more stressful than it already is.

He has already taken offense because we find the bow ties he wears to work pretty funny.

I feel guilty and terrified of telling him because he'll stop being our friendly supervisor.

Please tell me what to do!

-- Terrified in California

Any guy who indulges his affectations enough to wear bow ties every day and yet goes skinny dipping with female co-workers nearby has to be a character. I want to meet him. Even money he owns a pocketwatch.

They're all SCUM.

2006-04-04T10:24:00.001-04:00

DEAR ELLIE: There's this guy at work. We like each other and are building a foundation for a good relationship, but recently he said he does have a girlfriend. I'd asked him before and he said no.

I've been deceived in the past by guys. I want to forgive him, but I don't want him to think that what he did was OK. How do I go about trusting him again and what can he do to earn my forgiveness?

LOST

DEAR LOST: Forgive yourself first for repeating your pattern of having trusted too soon and vow not to make that same mistake again.

This guy lied to you, same as the others who deceived you. He did not build any foundation; you were doing that alone. You need to put some distance between the two of you. Otherwise, you're sending a clear signal that he can make up any story he wants: for instance, that he'll be breaking up with that girlfriend soon, just give him time. Tell him you deserve better than a two-timer, and mean it.

Next time you're attracted to someone, make sure you know all the facts, and if you suspect something's wrong (which is why you asked him the question) trust yourself and your instincts more than the guy.

Wait a sec. Who's to say that he wasn't telling the truth? Meaning, maybe he didn't actually have a girlfriend before, but now he does?

Why assume the guy was lying? It doesn't sound like he got into her pants and then begged off a relationship by saying he was already involved. Actually, it sounds like nothing happened. Which also begs the question of why we're even talking about this waste of time in the first place.

There should be an exam to become a parent.

2006-04-04T09:54:00.001-04:00

From Friday's "Ask Ellie":

Dear Amy: My stepson was sexually abused when he was 7 or 8 years old. His mother and father (my current husband) were not living together at the time, but my husband was informed of the abuse.

Neither parent did anything about this situation except sweep it under the rug.

I am not sure that my stepson remembers these incidents because I think he has repressed them, but I think that they have had a large, subconscious part in his development.

He is lazy, has little ambition and doesn't seem to think that he needs to get a job. He has a lot of anger that he directs toward me.

Do you think any of these manifestations are due to the earlier incidents?

What can be done about it?

He is 26, so all of this happened about 18 years ago.

-- Concerned Stepmom

Dear Concerned: I think that every single thing going on in your stepson's life is a result of what happened to him when he was a child.

This young man has not forgotten or repressed his memory of sexual abuse. He is not "lazy." He does not lack ambition. He is behaving like someone who is depressed, has no sense of himself and who feels that he is utterly marginal. His anger is completely understandable (if misdirected); sexual-abuse survivors sometimes turn their anger inward and deal with their pain through substance abuse or other addictions.

Your stepson's abuser stole his childhood. His family's reaction to his abuse is appalling (and unfortunately common).

Please let in the light. He needs to see a therapist who has expertise in dealing with abuse survivors. His parents should be involved in this process as well, but even if they don't participate, your stepson must be given the opportunity to face and talk about what happened to him. You should interview therapists and ask for help and mentoring through this process.

For inspiration, familiarize yourself with the story of Laveranues Coles, the NFL star who recently came forward to bravely talk of his childhood sexual abuse. It is never too late to start the recovery process.

What disgusts me about this letter is "Concerned Stepmom's" admission that her husband and his ex swept their son's sexual abuse under the rug. That's not just appalling (as Amy terms it), it should be outright criminal. This is YOUR CHILD. Your only job in life is to protect him and see to it that he is raised properly to the best of your ability. Should you fail in these duties, you should seek out whatever remedial measures are necessary to ameliorate the damage.

You do NOT ignore a life-altering situation like sexual abuse in the hopes that it will go away. If a chronic drunk getting behind the wheel with a revoked license can be considered to have committed criminal negligence, then what the hell should this be?

Why use a euphemism?

2006-04-04T09:46:00.001-04:00

Today's "Dear Abby" has a bunch of letters about kids who see animals at the zoo making the beast with two backs:

DEAR ABBY: At a county fair last year, my husband and I were at the rabbit exhibit, and I overheard a mother explain to her child that what the bunnies were doing (read amorous pastime) was called "getting married." While technically incorrect, I thought that mother had a firm grip on family values. (I also hoped she'd explain things more clearly at the proper time and place.) I think it was a wonderful way to start the teaching and learning process of the birds and the bees. That mother seemed to be on track, and I was proud to have witnessed it. I still smile when I remember the encounter. -- MOTHER IN BUNKER HILL

Why am I a little bothered by this? I just don't understand why it's necessary to tell a child that two animals humping are "getting married." Will it irrevocably ruin their fragile little minds to say that they're "making babies" or something?

Why are we -- as a society -- so terrified of sex?

Goddamn.

2006-04-03T13:21:00.001-04:00

"Ask Ellie" today is entirely devoted to a column that I missed during my hiatus. Man, I missed all the good stuff during that little break and Ellie Tesher isn't a tubby, talentless, frustrated, film director who's made a national name for himself with his pudgy little sausage thumbs, so she doesn't get any free archives. Not that I'm bitter. Not in the slightest. Why would you think that?

I guess a teenager wrote in complaining that her parents, who are very religious and were raising her in their Christian faith, prohibited her from doing lots of things, like dating, associating with children who were not of their faith, and being on the internet when one of the parents weren't home.

It's a letter on one of the three topics (the three being religion, abortion, and politics) that proves the old adage about opinions and assholes; everyone's got one and they they want to share them with the world. Well, I made that last part up. But if you feel compelled to share your asshole with the world, well, who am I to stop you? Although I can offer you a word of caution and show you how those powers may be put to evil purposes by directing you to goatse.cx. But hell no, I won't link you from my blog. And you really, REALLY shouldn't open that URL anywhere but on your home computer. And even then, you should only do so when you have a bucket nearby.

Moving on.

I guess the letter-writing girl felt a bit frustrated and sheltered and wanted to experience more of the world, if only her parents would let her. To which I say, good for her. It's really a shame that her parents are so over-protective that they will not allow her to experience the bad in the world along with the good and permit her to make judgments and decisions for herself. I wouldn't be surprised if her parents actually became over-protective because they seek to shield their daughter from some of the things they experienced in their lives, things that led them to the determination that such protection was warranted.

But they're missing the point. If their beliefs are indeed informed by their own experiences, then they're doing their daughter a grave disservice by denying her the ability to make her own determinations based on her own experiences.

And if her parents' opinions aren't shaped by personal experiences but rather by some kind of irrational, unfounded fear of the worst case scenario, well, don't get me started.

I've known too many people who -- quite naturally -- got into all sorts of trouble as kids, trouble that they seek to prevent their kids from getting into by ushering them into a lifestyle of religious adherence simply for its moral teachings, not its spiritual fulfillment. Religion is not and should not ever be a substitute for parental instruction on morals and the ability to make sound choices. Making your kid think he/she is going to go to hell for smoking a joint in sophomore year of high school doesn't do anyone any favors. And here's a newsflash, parents: Your daughters aren't a lock to get into heaven just because her hymen is intact, okay?

I don't know why you wouldn't want to expose your kids to as many different types of people as possible. I'm not advocating kindergarten field trips to maximum security state prisons, but how does it harm your Presbyterian child to have friends who are Muslim or Jewish? Or even . . . *gasp!* . . . ATHEIST???

Get over it. Quit being so goddamned AFRAID of the real world.

Nymphomaniac in the making.

2006-04-02T18:43:00.001-04:00

DEAR ELLIE: I'm 15, and last winter at a party I made out with a guy. Now, I've finally gotten over the emotional attachment I felt, even though we weren't close.

When I see him in the halls in school, I feel so stupid for ever hooking up with him, but I'm still tempted to do anything for the closeness that we had, even though there was no sex at all.

I know I made a mistake, but I just want to move on and forget it ever happened.

HOLDING ON TOO TIGHT

Man, is there anything better than a needy girl with low self-esteem? This girl probably has daddy issues, too.

I bet she's hot.

Hey, your kids suck. Still friends, right?

2006-04-02T18:31:00.001-04:00

From yesterday's "Ask Amy":

Dear Amy: I had a friend who has two kids (ages 2 and 3).

Whenever we would go out to dinner, the daughter (2-years-old) would stand up in the chair to eat. Well, that wasn't too bad, but then both kids would run around the table (waiters would have to dodge them) and they would scream as loud as they could.

My friend asked us out to dinner to celebrate the little girl's birthday, and I told her that we couldn't do that anymore. I told her that it just gets worse every time and that we couldn't enjoy our dinner. I said that we could have the celebration at her house or mine if she wanted.

Now this friend won't have anything to do with my husband or me.

Was I wrong?

-- Dana

Maybe not wrong, but really fucking rude.

If a woman complained that men aren't asking her out as much as she would like, would you respond by saying, "That's because you're a needy tub of lard who mistakes fellatio for love"?

If a man commented that his girlfriend just won't stop nagging at him, do you tell him, "You should be so lucky to have a woman -- ANY woman -- tolerate you, you misbegotten future liver-failure patient, and you should hold onto her like grim death"?

Of course not.

What was wrong with just telling your friend that you preferred to have dinner together in private and skip the your-parenting-skills-suck conversation altogether?

Pants. Fire.

2006-03-30T12:02:00.001-05:00

From yesterday's "Tell Me About It":

Dear Carolyn:

At our recent class reunion, one woman stood out with radiant accounts of her medical school accomplishments, books written, TV shows, wonderful family, gorgeous garden and trendy home. Her husband stood by her side beaming approval. At the end of the evening, we all vowed to stay in touch.

E-mails began to be exchanged and mentions of "Bonnie" began to pop up that evolved from "Isn't she incredible?" to "No Google hits" to "I looked up Bonnie's address, drove by her house, and guess what?" Checking her out became a shared game.
Recently, several of us ran into Bonnie and her husband -- she filling us in on her accomplishments and he supporting every statement. Some felt we should have called her bluff. Instead we just listened mesmerized and stupefied. Should the bluff be called (surely not in public)? Why, oh why, does the husband support these public displays of fantasy?
J.

Because he loves her? Because he's as competitive as she is? Because Bonnie is toying with you, and he's enjoying the ride? The only things more obscure than the inner workings of someone else's mind are the inner workings of someone else's marriage.

The laws of courtesy can seem pretty obscure, too. I could equate tipping off Bonnie to alerting her to a hole in the seat of her pants; it is, after all, basic decency to save others from humiliating themselves.

However, I could also equate it to telling her after a party, "You looked grotesque in those pants." Even if saying so would save her from looking grotesque again, it's still in the past, and therefore kinder not to say anything. Let her think she looked great.

If this is about Bonnie's feelings, then I believe the latter applies. A hole is an accident but an outfit is a choice, and Bonnie chose to serve whoppers. Let her think they sound great.

But if this is about you guys, wanting to defend your intelligence against Bonnie's insults to it, then it's a completely different answer. Not in what you do (since there's still no point in "calling her bluff") but in how much you enjoy letting her think she looks great.

I second the "What's the point?" notion.

Speaking as someone who has actually researched voter registration records, driver's records, real estate filings, and many other public records in (what I assumed was) a foolproof effort to force a pathological liar to come clean, I can say with authority that it's useless. People who go to such lengths to create elaborate cover stories for themselves and don't let them go lightly. They won't confess to being a pathetic loser. Hell, I'm half convinced that they kind of believe their own cover story, anyway.

Beer me.

2006-03-30T11:58:00.001-05:00

From Sunday's "Tell Me About It":

Dear Carolyn:

Our 23-year-old son has always dated girls his own age, but now he is dating a 17-year-old whom he met at his part-time job. My husband and I think he is too old for her, but apparently her mother doesn't think so. We have tried to talk to him about it, but he doesn't see anything wrong. If they were both in their twenties that would be fine with us, but she isn't even 18! What do you think, and any suggestions as to how to deal with this?

P.

A long walk, a hot bath and a beer. At least, that's what I like to do about things I can't do anything about.

The girl might not be an adult yet, but your son is one, if possibly immature -- and he's heard your argument and chosen to disagree with it. Now, it's up to his judgment to do all the talking. Trust him either to make a good decision, or to learn from a bad one.

What about a word of caution on the whole statutory rape issue? Are they or are they not making the spoons?

Romantic comedy scenario #57

2006-03-30T11:42:00.001-05:00

Look! I get letters! Well, one, anyway:

Huck,

Here's a question for you, and I am too embarrassed to ask Miss Manners.

When you are a houseguest, is it rude to have sex in your host's home? Presumably in the guest bedroom, not in their bed, naturally. I think it is; my boyfriend doesn't.

Signed,

Trampy Traveler

Well, I'd like to say that it all depends, TT, but I'd be lying. I think the key questions are whether you and your boyfriend were the type to leave a wet spot, what you were planning on doing with the . . . remnants of your coupling, whether you were in the midst of your monthly cycle, etc., etc. The point being, leaving bodily fluids behind in any way, shape or form is just a party foul.

Offering to clean the sheets or whatnot doesn't really help alleviate the situation, either. Can you imagine if your brother (assuming you have one) came to you one morning after he and his girlfriend spent the night in your guest room and asked where the laundry machine was, and oh, by the way, he'll be needing some Chlorox to take care of the spunk stain he left on your Martha Stewarts? Eww. No. I think the natural reaction to that would be to offer to let him keep the sheets, thankyouverymuch, and can I interest you in a used mattress, slightly soiled?

All that said, the Huckster is a realist who has just returned home from spending three nights in a Marriott somewhere out west. Every time he stays in a hotel, there's a part of him that wishes he had brought along a black light to scan the bed linens and mattress surface, just to see what's there. It's the same part of the Huckster that gingerly lifts the milk carton to his lips when the expiration date has clearly passed.

But I didn't and I slept like a baby. The bottom line is, if you've ever spent a night in a hotel then it's probably safe to say that you've slept in another man's dried semen without knowing it at some point. A harrowing thought, to be sure, but also probably very true. And you know what? I just don't want to know.

Sometimes, ignorance is truly bliss. If you can get away with having sex in someone else's guest bed, then more power to you. The less they know about it, the better. What's rude isn't the act of having sex in their home/in their guest bed/on their sofa/in their bathtub/on top of their baby's diaper changing station, it's the act of leaving behind deposits of warm yogurt to crust and stain.

All of this, of course, doesn't address the noise factor. You know, the screaming, wall-banging, chandelier-shaking, "DON'T. EVER. STOP. FUCKING. ME!!!" sex. If you're doing that in someone else's home, well, you're just a show-off.

Sigh

2006-03-23T09:10:00.001-05:00

I have scoured the advice columns of the day, and they are utterly devoid of anything interesting. Barren, even.

So I give you this, instead: Porn star Savannah Samson has produced her own wine, called Sogno Uno, packaged under her screen name. Samson, a.k.a. Natalie Oliveros on her utility bills, was fortunate enough to have her wine reviewed by Robert Parker, possibly the industry's most influential wine critic. He rated Samson's wine a 90 to 91 out of 100, which makes is "an outstanding wine of exceptional complexity and character."

Man. I guess everyone's gotta be good at something.

Well, two things, anyway. She is an AVN Best Actress Award winner, after all.

Love shack, babee!

2006-03-22T09:41:00.001-05:00

Dear Amy: Two years ago, I started an affair with a married man in my office. I never thought of doing such a thing. Everyone in our office thought the world of him and his wife, and thought what a wonderful husband and father he was and how lucky his wife was to have him.

I flirted with him, and occasionally we would go out in a group. One evening he had a bit to drink and the next thing I knew he was confessing to boredom and dissatisfaction with his wife and his life. Well, I didn't think twice and we were involved in a full-fledged affair. He decided to leave his wife. She was devastated and fought to keep him, but we were so in love that she didn't stand a chance.

His three children barely speak to him. We are engaged to be married and everything has been great, in spite of his estrangement from his children and the fact that his wife made out quite well in the divorce.

Unfortunately, now he is sick and has been diagnosed with lung cancer. I have had to take care of him and it's exhausting. No one in his family is willing to step up to help me take care of him. His children refuse to talk to me.

The truth is, I don't want to take care of him. I thought it was going to be different -- that it would be fun and I'd have someone to take care of me.

I still love him and all that, but honestly, I don't want to nurse him and watch him die.

We aren't married yet -- just engaged. I want to break it off, but I hate leaving him with no one. What should I do?

-- Concerned

Dayaaaammmmmmmmm, girl.

You sound SO. F'N. HOT.

Abby, can you tell my husband that it's okay to marry a lying weasel?

2006-03-22T09:37:00.002-05:00

DEAR ABBY: My heart is pounding and I'm at my wit's end. This situation is difficult to explain. I'm afraid that other readers may be facing the same horror that I'm dealing with, so please advise us on how to handle an extremely delicate situation.

My husband has it in his head to do genetic testing for "genealogy" purposes. It isn't cheap. One of the places he wants testing from charges a couple of hundred dollars. He has asked me to have it done, too. I told him I wasn't interested and I thought it was too expensive.

Now he wants to have our 17-year-old son tested. I have argued that our son should not have his DNA on record anywhere, that he really needs both parents to give consent for testing, and it costs too much.

The horror I really have is that, 18 years ago, I made an awful mistake. I don't know if my husband is the father of our son. I'm having panic attacks about his finding out how awful I was 18 years ago.

Can you issue advice that these DNA tests should not be used on minor children, and that there are powerful reasons why not? Can you think of any other reasons I can give for not having him tested so I can convince my husband to drop the idea? Please don't reveal where we live. You can say it's Minnesota. -- IN A PANIC!

DEAR IN A PANIC!: Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive. (And no, I didn't coin the phrase.)

Although you have my sympathy, I think it takes a lot of gall to ask me to lie in my column. I cannot come up with a reason why your son should not be tested because there are reasons why everyone should be -- particularly before having children. (Two of them are Tay-Sachs and sickle-cell anemia.) I have news for you. Your husband already has his suspicions about whether he fathered the boy. That's why he's determined to have him tested. If I were you, I'd take a few deep breaths and come clean before the guano hits the fan -- and that's the best advice I can offer. Confession is good for the soul.

Wow. Asking Abby to tailor her advice for her? I would remark about how incredibly egomaniacal and self-absorbed that seems, but I think "In a Panic" really did that herself by mentioning that she possibly allowed her husband to raise another man's child nearly to adulthood.

I kind of doubt "In a Panic's" hubby suspects anything, though. If so, why would he wait 17 years to get genetic testing done? But that doesn't change the fact that Abby's advice is right. Normally, I'm not fond of confessing one's indiscretions simply to unburden oneself. "Confession is good for the soul" is a bunch of bunk if all it does is hurts the innocent partner and serves to help the cheating person sleep at night. But in this case, if there's a possibility that a man has raised, loved, and invested his life in another man's son, then yeah, it's time to 'fess up. Way overdue, in fact.

Oh, and Ms. "In a Panic"? God called. He asked me to relay a message to you:

Why self-help books are a crock of s#I^

2006-03-22T09:19:00.002-05:00

DEAR ELLIE: I'm a reasonably attractive 23-year-old graduate student with varied interests and a promising future. But I've never had luck with women and dating.

Eight months ago, I started studying intensely about self-help, dating and relationships. I've met and spoken with the most experienced men and women, traveled, increased my social interactions and used online dating services. Yet, I've only had a couple of dozen first dates, and no second dates.

Despite this little information, I'd appreciate your suggestions.

ACADEMIC APPROACH

DEAR ACADEMIC APPROACH: Too much study, not enough realism. There's much more hope for you than you think. All those first dates are building your own experience, but your anxiety about second dates is interfering with learning from it.

Dating is supposed to be fun, not a task. The goal is to get to know a person, to find things in common, to learn how to connect with someone you like. Often, it's better to make friends and suggest a group outing that's more relaxed than a structured date, so there's more opportunity to click or to meet even more people.

Stop the research and go places where you'll meet real people doing things you like. Be natural, friendly and open; the dates will happen when you stop trying so hard.

You giant poindexter.

Dating is not like researching the trace elements in pelitic metamorphic rocks (thank you, Google). You can't just read about it, interview test subjects, conduct field studies and expect to know all there is to know. This is human interaction. It's an imprecise science. Hell, it's not a science at all, it's an artform. If it were capable of being studied and known simply by cramming with Dr. Phil books, why oh why is Match.com so damned popular?

Self-help books have their place, Einstein, but you can't rely on them to impart onto you everything you need to know to become a swinging lothario. What, you read a couple of books and suddenly you think you should be in George Clooney's class?

. . . .

You're a virgin, aren't you?

The Rules.

2006-03-21T10:16:00.001-05:00

DEAR ELLIE: My ex-boyfriend broke up with me on our one-year anniversary, saying he wasn't ready for commitment.

He soon started dating another girl, but then felt he still loved me. We got back together for an amazing six months. Then, he broke up with me again. He said he wasn't ready for moving in together or talking about the future; he still needed to try dating others.

I was his first real relationship. I'm 25, he's 26. He had a troubled past full of drugs and partying and lots of casual sex, but cleaned up his life shortly before he met me. I love him. He's someone I could marry.

Now, he has another girlfriend. I haven't been able to come to terms with it or my anger toward him. I think he likes this girl a lot more than the last one.

I've informed him that I didn't want him contacting me again unless he was serious about a relationship with me. I told him I'd contact him if I ever get over how he treated me and if I could be his friend.

He took it hard but understood. He'd like us to keep our relationship open-ended so, if we have feelings for each other in future, we might move forward.

How long should I wait until I contact him again?

MARKING TIME

Two weeks.

Unless it's a full moon. In which case, you should stand in the middle of your kitchen, hold your hands out, twirl around like Lynda Carter did in that Wonder Woman TV show, and alternate between chanting "unga bunga" and saying "toy boat" five times fast.

Then -- and ONLY THEN -- will he ever love you again.

Fail in this, and you WILL DIE ALONE.

Ignore my words at your peril.

Look what I missed out on:

2006-03-21T10:10:00.002-05:00

Earlier this morning, I made my daily pilgrimmage to "Dear Abby" and found this:

DEAR ABBY: Your response to "Hurt and Sad in Trenton," whose wife slept with a married man before they were married, stunk.

"Hurt's" wife should have said right from the start: "This is who I am; this is where I've been. Take me as I am or let's go our separate ways." If she'd been honest, he'd have no cause to complain.

Reflecting back on years spent in ignorance turns happy marriages bitter, as one realizes one was played for a fool. Suddenly the "innocent" nights out of old assume an ominous character. Is it not better to risk a relationship at the beginning by telling the truth, than to risk its implosion years later when the truth will come out?

"Hurt" deserved sympathy, not an attack. His wife betrayed his trust, not with sex before she met him, but with lies afterward. -- NORTH OF TRENTON

And I'm thinking, "What the schnikies is this about? I don't remember this. It probably took place during my hiatus! That'll teach me to take a break from Abby! I miss all the good stuff when I do that!" I'm usually pretty good about remembering the adultery stories, you see. It's the part of me that was reared on surreptitious, past-my-bedtime, mommy-and-daddy-never-should-have-put-a-TV-in-my-room viewings of Dallas, Knots Landing, and Dynasty. Dare I say that Aaron Spelling was almost as responsible for forming my thoughts and behaviors as my parents were? Oooh, let's not go there.

So I do a little search. And I find "Hurt and Sad in Trenton." Man, is he a doozy:

DEAR ABBY: I have been married 15 years to a woman I have always placed on a pedestal. I recently learned that when she was single, she had an affair with a married man. I can't get it out of my head. I'm afraid it will drive me to drink.

Yes, she has been a good wife and mother to our two girls (ages 11 and 13), but I no longer have the respect for her that I once had. We recently got into an argument that escalated into name-calling, and I called her a "slut" because that's what I feel she is. She dated at least seven or eight other men before we married, and knowing she had sex with a married man, I'm sure I can safely assume that she had sex with the others.

Our sex life is deteriorating. I feel I'm not making love to a "clean" woman, that she is used and dirty laundry. I told her she had cheated me the same as if I paid for a new car and then found out the dealer delivered a used one.

She always claimed to be a good Catholic, and I told her she even ignored her religious teachings, as they teach you to be a virgin for your husband. I won't leave her because of the children, but I'm afraid I'll have a hard time staying even though I believe I love her.

Instead of having her on a pedestal, I now have her in the gutter. Please advise me before I go out of my mind. -- HURT AND SAD, TRENTON, N.J.

DEAR HURT AND SAD: Hurt and sad? Imagine how SHE feels! Assuming that you are also Catholic, were you a virgin when you married your wife? Surely, the same rule applies to Catholic men as it does to Catholic women. If, after 15 years of solid marriage and two children, this is what your wife gets from the man who promised God he would love, honor and cherish her until death, frankly, I think she deserves better.

Pedestals are cold, drafty places on which to live, and it is unfair and unrealistic to label your wife as either a Madonna or a whore because of a youthful indiscretion. These days, most people fall somewhere in between.

Please, don't be a "martyr" and "stay because of the children." Unless you can find it in your heart to forgive (as your religion preaches), give the poor woman a break and go. Name-calling isn't going to fix this; psychological and religious counseling for you might. Your wife does not deserve the abuse you have heaped upon her, and you need more help than anyone can give you in a letter.

What a piece of work this guy is. What century is he living in? Slut? Pedestal? "Clean"? Used? Gutter?

A letter writer from today's column put it best:

The place for a good wife (or husband) is neither on a pedestal nor in the gutter. It's on a comfy sofa, each with an arm around the other -- cuddling and secure in the knowledge of the love they share.

I've said it time and again: I think placing your loved one on a pedestal is a one-way ticket to disaster. Get over yourselves and each other.

hic!

2006-03-21T09:36:00.001-05:00

From last week's "Savage Love":

DEAR ELLIE: I made a fool of myself at a recent party, drinking way too much and offending a lot of friends by actions which I don't remember (I'm told I got "gropey").

I'm ashamed and embarrassed to see those friends again, which I'll have to do one day.

How can I "make nice" without ignoring what I did? I accept my actions, but is that enough?

OVER-SERVED FOOL

Duuuuuuuuuuuuuude. I totally don't remember writing this. HOW DRUNK WAS I?????

So I open my morning paper . . . .

2006-03-21T09:25:00.001-05:00

I don't know about any of you, but I read The Washington Post on a daily basis. I love the paper. It makes the morning commute just fly by, and it keeps me from ogling women on the Metro and making me feel like the lecherous creep that I am.

Anyhoo, I love the Style section. I do. Entertainment, movies, art, theater, books, comics, society . . . . What's not to love?

So I crack open the paper this morning on the Metro, flip to the Style section, and I get this monstrosity staring back at me:

My initial thoughts:

The rising crescent of her fake boobies: Man, who doesn't love having a pair of parentheses right in the middle of their chest?

The overly done tan which, by the way, is darker on her chest than it is on her face: Mmmmmm. Shoe leather.

The horsey face: Yee. Ha.

The strappy top that's a decade or two too young for her: Daddy like. Daddy like.

Gonna be needing a moment or two alone, boys and girls! Who's got the Crisco?

Myspace

2006-03-20T11:05:00.001-05:00

From Friday's "Ask Amy":

Dear Amy: Although I have been aware of myspace.com, I didn't realize the harmful nature of the Web site until I received an anonymous copy of my 16-year-old daughter's myspace page.

My daughter thought it was "just fun and games" when she posted provocative pictures on her home page. I was shocked when I read her Web space, which was tame by comparison to many other kids from our community who have posted lewd and lascivious pictures with profane comments for the world to see!

I will be monitoring my daughter's activity if not deleting it altogether, but what about all of the parents who are unaware of this Web site?

What has our culture degenerated to when photos of girls drinking from tequila bottles, imitating sexual acts, and wearing bras and garter belts in the midst of other boys are posted online for anyone to see?

No wonder we are so concerned about predators. Our children are making themselves targets for anyone to exploit.

They might as well be wearing a bull's-eye.

-- Saddened by Complacency

Dear Saddened: Our kids have been taught since they were little about the dangers of posting personal information on the Web. They've also been taught about the dangers of driving recklessly. And yet, teens continue to crash their cars at alarming rates. And they also stupidly use the Web as if it is one big slumber party with their friends.

It's a question of cognition.

You are right to monitor your daughter's computer use. However, why she still has a myspace account at all baffles me. The site is intended for people 17 and over. I realize that this rule can be ignored, but if your daughter is demonstrating such poor online judgment, then it's time to take the "car keys" away until she figures out that those provocative photos she is sharing with the universe could affect not only her life now but haunt her well into the future.

I don't have to provide you with nightmare scenarios -- just open the newspaper and pick and choose among horror stories about images of young people posted on the Web that end up being bought, sold and traded on porn sites.

You need to talk to your girl not just about these dangers but about the more basic idea that her body belongs to her alone. You should then take the lessons you've learned to your community of parents -- through the school's PTA.

Anyone who reads this is going to be web-savvy enough that alot of what I'm about to say won't apply to them, but I think it's just a shame when parents don't know what their kids are doing online simply because they don't bother to learn.

I'm not talking about parents whose children are good about deleting cookies and cache files and whose movements on the 'net are hard to track. I'm talking about parents who don't even bother to go into their child's computer's "History" folder to see what sites they've been visiting.

Myspace has become the AOL Chat Room of the early 21st Century. If you haven't spent any time surfing around there and you've exhausted the internet's limitless supply of farm animal porn, go ahead and give it a peek. There are some innocuous pages on there, sure, but there are also many more that are flirtatious and the like. It's just kids exploring their sexuality, but they have no idea what they're doing to all the sexual predators out there. Reference Taylor Marie Behl.

I'm not talking about becoming a cyber slueth. Just know enough to know that you need to be vigilant.

We all got needs.

2006-03-20T11:00:00.001-05:00

There's nobody else I can ask about this, so I hope you can reply. I'm a straight woman in my mid-40s. I've been married more than two decades. Ten years ago, my husband's already low sex drive disappeared altogether. He won't talk about it. I know he's not having an affair.

I ran into an old lover and we had an amazing one-afternoon fling.

Realizing I couldn't live without sex any longer, I told my husband (nicely—it is hard to say things like this to someone you love) that I didn't think he cared what I did, and he didn't disagree. (I didn't tell him about the fling.) Now, I've met a gentleman who is sweet and kind and attentive. He is married and in the same situation I am. Discretion is absolute, and we play safe. When we make love, I can't believe I waited so long.

This relationship has made me happier than I've been in years. I feel alive, healthier, and all those little daily annoyances bother me less. Coworkers have remarked on how "well" I look. Is there anything wrong with what I'm doing? Is there anything wrong with me that I am not feeling guilty?

Frustrated No More

You have nothing to feel guilty about, FNM.

Your infidelity, your discretion, and your compassion are saving not one but two marriages. While your actions fall short of the romantic ideal of marriage, your marriage falls short of that ideal—and so does your lover's marriage. You've both accepted your imperfect spouses for who they are, and your imperfect marriages for what they are, and you've made the kind of imperfect accommodation that allows many passionless but otherwise valuable marriages to survive. In a case like yours, FNM, infidelity can be the loving, responsible, marriage-salvaging choice. Stop feeling guilty. Enjoy.

Agreeing with the general gist of the advice, but there's one important little nuance here that's screaming at me not to be ignored. "Frustrated" said that when she confronted her husband about their lack of sexual relations and said that she thought he didn't care what she did, "he didn't disagree."

That's far from consent to her sleeping with another guy.

It's a combustible enough situation that, I would think, you'd want to get an unequivocal agreement that she can do this without threatening their marriage.

Oh, and for a real kick in the head, check out the letter from SISTAH in that same column.

Can I borrow a cup of sugar?

2006-03-20T10:24:00.001-05:00

From Saturday's "Dear Abby":

DEAR ABBY: I am an avid reader -- a true book lover. Sometimes I like to share my favorite books with friends. Right now, I have loaned out about 20 books to various people. I am sure I placed a name and address in each one to be sure I would get it back.

It has been almost two years, Abby, and the books have not been returned.

When you loan someone a book, it's because you really enjoyed it. You may want to read it again or pass it on to others. I don't know how people can be so neglectful about returning things that don't belong to them.

If you print this, it may jog the memories of the guilty people who have borrowed items and don't think they have to return them. I'm sure others feel as I do -- that if you lend something out, it does not give the person the right to keep it indefinitely. -- BOOK LOVER IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR BOOK LOVER: I'm printing your letter, but please don't count on the guilty repenting of their sins of omission. In the future, I strongly recommend that you keep a list of the books you loan out, the dates they were loaned, and the names of the borrowers. That way you can call and ask to have your property returned. I'm sad to say that many people simply do not respect the property of others the way they do their own.

Books are like money. If you loan it out, you should do so with the expectation that you'll never see it again.

Spin the bottle.

2006-03-20T10:00:00.001-05:00

From Friday's "Ask Ellie":

DEAR ABBY: My 12-year-old daughter was invited to a classmate's birthday party today. When I asked for the details of the party, she told me it was a slumber party. Here's the kicker: The classmate in question is a boy!

As my shock dissipates, I'm suddenly reminded that the times sure are a-changin', and that even younger parents like me need to brace themselves. (I am 32.) I don't consider myself oblivious, but boy, do I suddenly feel that way. I don't feel it is at all appropriate for my child, but I'm interested in what you and your readers have to say about this. -- PERPLEXED IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR PERPLEXED: The times may be a-changin', but they ain't a-changin' THAT much. It's the duty of a conscientious parent to do what is right for his or her child, even if it isn't a popular decision. By that, I mean that every family has different standards, and it's up to the parents to enforce them. The excuse, "But everyone else is doing it," does not mean that your child must. Remember that when the pressure is on, and it seems the whole world is going crazy. It'll keep you balanced.

Is "shock" really the proper word to describe this woman's reaction? Evidently, but if this is the sort of thing that warrants a letter to "Dear Abby" in your life, then you don't get out nearly enough.

I probably wouldn't send my kid to a inter-gender slumber party at that age either, but it's hardly anything to freak out over, is it?

Blaming the victim?

2006-03-13T10:34:00.002-05:00

DEAR ELLIE: I'm a woman, 25, and have experienced agoraphobia, panic-anxiety disorder, stress and occasional depression for six years.

I'm in a program at the local hospital. I'm not on medication and don't intend to be because of my personal choice and beliefs. I still live with both my parents. I'm unable to work, drive or socialize with the outside world.

My dad pressures me to work, drive and quit smoking, saying I'm costing them money and it's unfair to them. But what else can I do? I can only go outside the house to my group programs, which are twice weekly.

I'm at my wits' end with all this. What can you suggest?

IN DESPAIR

DEAR IN DESPAIR: You already know there's no quick magic cure for these conditions, but there is treatment and therapy over time. Similarly, there's no instant answer to calm your dad, who's also frustrated and unhappy with his daughter's situation. No doubt both your parents are hurting, too, but express it by feeling somewhat burdened.

It would be helpful if they were more informed about your conditions. If you let them talk to your hospital adviser about your program, they can gain more insight and patience.

A diagnosis of agoraphobia is consistent with the description you provide, and is more common in women, usually starting in their 20s. Unfortunately, it often interferes with social and interpersonal relationships. I urge you to explore and consider broader treatment: Cognitive behavior therapy has been effective as treatment for some social phobias, and medications along with psychosocial treatment is often used to treat panic disorder. When feeling despair, get in touch with your doctor immediately, and/or call your local distress center.

For more information on agoraphobia and other anxiety disorders, see the National Mental Health Association Web site at www.nmha.org. The National Hopeline may be reached at (800) 784-2433.

Something about this letter and response just doesn't sit well with me. In the past, I've posted my thoughts on depression and mental illnesses, and I like to think that I'm not uncompassionate in that arena. But I also sympathize with the frustration a family member feels when they preceive that a family member suffering from a mental illness isn't doing everything she can to get better.

She refuses to go on medications. She only leaves the house twice a week for treatment. Her disorders are so severe she can't even drive. Why isn't she seeking out treatment more aggressively? (Maybe because she's agoraphobic? Duh.)

Ick. I don't envy "In Despair" or her parents. It's a sucky situation. While I think it's wholly inappropriate to pressure this girl to drive and get a job, I can entirely sympathize with the frustration her parents must be feeling when they see their daughter who doesn't really demonstrate any desire to get better. Her illnesses are severe enough that twice weekly sessions aren't going to solve her problems. And it doesn't help if she takes some kind of moral stand against medications, too.

And by the way, what's up with the refusal to take medications for her conditions but continuing to ingest ammonia, acetone, benzene, cadmium, formaldehyde, lead, mercury vapor, and hydrogen cyanide by smoking?

I feel like a dick thinking this way, but I can't help it.

Kids say the darnedest things.

2006-03-13T10:24:00.001-05:00

From today's "Tales from the Front":

DEAR ABBY: My daughter has six beautiful children. Lately, my grandkids have been repeating conversations that their mother has had with their father. Some of the things they say are hurtful. They are young -- the oldest are 8 and 7 -- too young for me to tell them that what they are saying is unacceptable.

Example: The oldest says, "Your house is so small, you have no room for visitors." We do have a small house, but people are always welcome, and our dearest friends and family members know it. Once, the younger one said to me, "Dad says you laugh and talk too loud." This hurt me, and I can't help but take it personally. Should I say something to my daughter and son-in-law? And if so, what do I say without embarrassing them? Thanks. -- SMARTING IN BLUE SPRINGS, MO.

DEAR SMARTING: Excuse me, but I must disagree with you about something. At ages 8 and 7, your grandchildren are plenty old enough to be told when they say something rude and hurtful. Please don't wait any longer.

And as to what to say to your daughter and son-in-law -- start out this way: "Little pitchers have big ears, and not only that, they leak." You can wing it from there. Shame on them.

Oh crap.

I'm in trouble.

Running hot and cold.

2006-03-13T10:23:00.001-05:00

Dear Cheryl: Once my boyfriend and I moved in together, I started using his computer. I found out he was talking to another girl online. We argued, and he deleted her from his address book. He says they were just friends.

Then I found out that he was on all kinds of dating sites. He said that he signed up before we met and that he had canceled them. That was true. But then I found that he was on different sites looking at women in our area.

I told him to choose me or the sites. He gave up the sites.

I don't trust him anymore. I check his phone, the computer, his pockets and his wallet, and I question everything he says. Even with all the snooping, I've come up with nothing, but I still keep digging. Do you think I can ever trust him again?

-- Who Has the Problem, He or I?

Dear WHTPHOI? This is not a man you want to be involved with. Maybe he isn't cheating right now, but so what? No man who is happily living with a woman and committed to her talks to other women online and looks at other women on the Internet. This guy is a loser. Pack your bags.

Maybe Cheryl should stick to re-printing letters from readers. When she bothers to actually give advice, she seems to really overreact and exaggerate.

Yes, men who are involved in relationships have used the internet to cheat. And yes, any woman who finds out their guy has taken out an internet personal or chats with women he met on internet dating sites should be concerned about the possibility of cheating.

But that's a far cry from saying "No man who is happily living with a woman and committed to her talks to other women online and looks at other women on the Internet." I call horse poopie on that.

Admittedly, that's not ideal boyfriend behavior. But let's be honest: It's not extremely unusual for a guy who's involved to look at other women online and talk to them. (Taking out a personal ad is, of course, out of the realm.)

I think people adjust to new commitments very differently and it may take some people more time to adjust to the idea than others. The letter here doesn't say how long this guy has been trolling for internet dates or how long ago they moved in together, but it's possible that this is his way of acting out some fantasies.

Mind you, it's not an ideal way to act out fantasies. I'm not saying that this is perfectly fine behavior. It's not. But it's not so abnormal and out of bounds that it warrants a "This guy is a loser" comment, either.

And how about a slap on the wrist for all the snooping by the girlfriend? Why does she get off the hook? It'd be one thing if she actually found evidence of cheating, but she hasn't.

Now, the fact that this guy keeps on trolling for internet babes in spite of being caught a couple of times leads me to lean toward the "Pack your bags" advice, too, but I think between this response and her comment about all women being able to remember every Valentine's Day since they were 17 demonstrates that Cheryl is some kind of fatalistic romantic and not a realist at all. I wouldn't want to be involved in a relationship with someone like her.

She does, however, redeeem herself later in the same column:

Dear Cheryl: I dated my boyfriend for over three years. He never wanted to talk about the future.

Toward the end of our relationship, he was unhappy, and I brought out the worst in him. I had had enough and ended the relationship.

Shortly after, I met a new guy who had all the traits I wished my ex-boyfriend had. He was adventurous, considerate and kind and loved doing things with me. We dated for 18 months. The whole time, I was in contact with my ex. He told me he loved me and wanted me back. I loved him, too, but I was afraid of getting hurt again.

I broke up with the new guy because I was still in love with my ex. I felt relieved after the breakup because I didn't have to battle with my feelings anymore. I could be honest with myself.

In July, my ex asked to marry me, but it wasn't a formal proposal with a ring. I told him I didn't know.

Two weeks ago, we went to lunch and I asked him what his intentions were and why he keeps calling me. He said he didn't know. I told him I wanted us to be a couple again. He said he wanted to think about it for a month.

We spoke the other day, and I found out he has been dating someone for three months. He said he doesn't love her. I told him I loved him, and he said he loved me. He said he started dating this person because he figured we'd never get back together. I told him if he stays with her, we can never talk again. He said if he commits to me, it's to get married and I told him that if we reunite, it's forever.

He said he will make a decision within two weeks.

Is it wrong for me to force him to make this decision?

-- I Hate Ultimatums

Dear I Hate Ultimatums: You and your ex have a really sick can't-live-with-can't-live-without relationship. It's never going to work. Never. Never, never, never. Do I make myself clear?

God, that made me a little randy.

Frank and beans!

2006-03-13T09:52:00.001-05:00

From Friday's "Ask Ellie":

DEAR ELLIE: During a recent visit, I was perturbed by my father's relationship with the family dog. He lets crumbs fall in his crotch area and encourages the dog to jump up and grovel, poke, sniff and lick the crumbs off.

I believe he's experiencing genital stimulation from this, and I am thoroughly disgusted. I said loudly, "I wouldn't let the dog sniff me like that," and my mom quietly added, "Neither would I." But my dad pretended not to hear.

I don't want to visit again.

DISGUSTED

Has he considered peanut butter? It clings to surfaces better and demands more enthusiastic and prolonged oral attention.

Wedding attire.

2006-03-13T09:45:00.001-05:00

From Thursday's "Ask Amy":

Dear Amy: Over my 58 years of life, when attending a wedding and reception I have witnessed the practice of guests changing into more comfortable clothes for the dancing/partying portion of the reception.

I do not have a problem with this practice. However, my daughter informed my wife that I would have to tell my family that they cannot change clothes for the reception.

Her wedding will be formal and the reception will follow.

I was taken aback by this request and told my wife that if our daughter wanted to inform people of her rule, then she should put it on the invitation.

What is your take on the practice of changing clothes for the reception and what is your opinion of my daughter's request?

--Uppity Daughter's Dad

Wha--??? What are they changing into? Cut offs and flip-flops? What kind of hill billy wedding is this?

I think I've heard of people changing clothes between a wedding and a reception, but that was only in the context of changing from black tie attire to evening wear/coat and tie. Otherwise, I've never seen it done.

Everyone should be forced to sweat uncomfortably in their starched collars and constricting dresses like regular, normal people!

IloveyouIloveyouIloveyou

2006-03-08T09:23:00.001-05:00

From today's "Tell Me About It":

Carolyn:

I am engaged to a wonderful girl, but one thing bothers me. She throws around "I love you" like it's the word "the." I am grateful she feels that way but . . . I have two 10-minute breaks at work. *cashregisterjockey* Oftentimes, *pretentiouslanguagemangler* I call and we will talk for the duration. When there is the slightest lull in the conversation, she fills the dead air with, "I love you, baby. I really do love you. I miss you so much." *needywench* She can be completely focused on what she's doing and "I love you" just comes out with no effort or apparent meaning.

My first reaction to this situation would be to just sit down with her and talk about it maturely, to tell her I'm afraid it's losing its meaning. *yougiantgirl* I wish it were that easy. She would come back at me with, "Well, fine then -- I just won't say it at all, is that what you want?" She is stubborn and overreacts to nearly everything. What am I to do? *dumpthecrazybitch*

Downcast

Add "she is stubborn and overreacts to nearly everything" to your list of things that bother you?

I suppose that isn't entirely fair, since this could very well be an aspect of her that you understand, accept and are prepared to attend to hereafter. We all have problems, and we all have a right to rejoice when we meet someone who grants us loving indulgence. *fartsbelchesscratches*

But she won't get that from you, and you won't get wonder girl, if you're simply denying the fact that emotionally she's in grade school. *ifthere'sgrassonthefieldplayball!* She may be wonderful but she is not secure, and there are nothing but eggshells on the path between you and her soul. *yougiantgirl*

If you're neither aware of nor ready for this, then save marriage for when you've fixed all big honking communication problems.

If you are aware and ready, you probably don't even need a mature talk about the I-love-you thing. Instead, try not keeping her on the phone when she has work to do and you have nothing to say. "I love you, too. Now I'll let you get back to work." *andadd"shutthef-uporI'lldumpyourpatheticass"*

Why Dan Savage rules.

2006-03-08T09:15:00.001-05:00

Dan Savage rules it. Sure, he's stubborn, self-assured, and occasionally disgusting, but man, he's just a funny, funny guy. Case in point from this week's "Savage Love." A clean cut, model-type gay guy writes in about his inability to meet and pull "bears," apparently a term for really big, burly, hairy guys. Dan sympathizes. He says:

. . . not every gay man can be the type he finds attractive, WITD. No matter how hard they work out, some guys can't put on muscle; some guys are too angelic to pull off punk; and some wannabe bears can't keep the weight on or are cursed with naturally hairless backs. Luckily for these guys, WITD, not all gay men are attracted to their body doubles. A lot of guys are into their polar opposites: Some muscular guys are into heavy guys; some punk fags dig corporate types; and some bears live to maul twinks.

On my recent book tour I met one of these guys: Mark, a skinny, tattooed, punk-rocker type. He's been with William, a clean-cut, corporate-lawyer type, for four years. Opposites attracted, but at the beginning Mark's punk friends gave him grief about his being with a clean-cut guy like William. "What could be more punk," Mark told his friends, "then a guy like me making a guy like him lick my come up off the floor?" Only one thing, Mark: sending a guy like me some videotape.

Awesomeness.

Anyone heard of the term "blumpkin"? Google it. Away from the office. It's not a practice I engage in myself, but it sure is a funny word.

It's hard out here for a pimp.

2006-03-08T09:02:00.001-05:00

DEAR ABBY: I have been dating a man I'll call Joe for 2 1/2 years. We usually take turns paying for dinner and other outings. This arrangement works well, except when it's Joe's turn to pay for a meal. He leaves embarrassingly paltry tips. He normally leaves 10 percent or less -- but I have seen him leave nothing when we have had reasonably good service.

I have asked Joe why he does this. He says I have no right to question him, since it's his prerogative. But, Abby, there are restaurants I'd like to return to, and I don't feel comfortable doing so because of the bad impression I am sure we left.

At a rather pricey restaurant recently, when Joe chose not to tip the waiter, I casually pulled a bill from my purse and left it on the table. Joe blew up and called it an insult. What do I do? -- NEEDS A "TIP" IN HOUSTON

Bitch, you shut your cake hole and fix me a chicken pot pie! That's what you do!

DEAR NEEDS: If I were you, I'd be more concerned about the fact that your boyfriend feels you "have no right to question him" than the fact that he's cheap when it comes to leaving gratuities. People who handle disagreements the way he does make poor life partners. "What you should do" is make a list of your boyfriend's good points and his bad ones, see how they balance out and whether the benefit is worth the cost emotionally, and act accordingly.

All the bitches gone crazy!

Lissen, you best back the f- up before I'm pimp slap your ass, Abby. You crazy ass ho's best stay with what you know: Lickin' & stickin'.

Chubby chaser.

2006-03-07T11:56:00.001-05:00

DEAR ELLIE: My boyfriend of several years is obese. He feels insecure about his appearance and wants to lose weight and become muscular.

I know his weight is a health risk, but I find him attractive as he is now -- he's like a cuddly teddy bear -- and I find muscular or skinny men unattractive, although I will continue to love him no matter what he looks like.

How do I let my boyfriend know that I find him attractive as he is right now without giving the impression that I don't support his weight-loss goals or his desire to improve his health?

CHUBBY IS FINE

DEAR CHUBBY IS FINE: It's a long, hard path from obese to skinny, and it's unnecessary to go to that extreme, so your worries are overly exaggerated and premature. The most important thing about your loving Mr. Cuddles is having him around many years for all those hugs and the sweetness of his nature.

Although you mention the health risks of obesity, I get the impression you haven't informed yourself or absorbed how significant they are. They include high blood pressure that can cause a debilitating or fatal stroke or heart attack, and diabetes which carries additional risks such as blindness.

Of course, you should support his weight-loss program and any health improvements. And also, you should tell him that you love the essence of him. However, if he talks about getting "skinny," alert him that too extreme a goal is a setup for frustration if not failure.

And it's also unhealthy to drop too much weight too quickly or to diet extremely. He should consult his doctor first, and choose a proven regime.

She digs 'em tubby? Don't let this chickie anywhere near a comic book convention. She may spontaneously burst into orgasm.

Honestly, though, I think "Chubby" may be mistaking her love and affection for her boyfriend with an actual preference for chubsters. In other words, she'd probably love her boyfriend no matter what he looked like and would find herself peculiarly attracted to whatever particular physical feature he was embodying at the time. I know that people -- women, in particular, they tend to be much more open-minded than men -- have been known on occasion to find a physical attribute that they previously found unattractive to be downright dead sexy once they fell for a person with such a feature.

For example, hairy dudes.

I haven't heard of a woman developing a fondness for bitch tits yet, but I'm sure there's a first for everything.

Baste every 15 minutes to avoid dryness.

2006-03-06T09:07:00.001-05:00

Dear Amy: My wife's best friend from high school is gay. He and his boyfriend have been "married" for several years. Now they want to have a child. My wife's friend, "Greg," wants her to carry the baby. My wife gladly agreed.

I have several big problems with this. I want my wife to stay physically faithful to me. I am outraged at Greg for even asking for such a thing as this from a married woman. I do not want her having sex with Greg, and I do not want her pregnant with his baby. She had a rough pregnancy with our daughter, and I do not want her constantly sick and irritable during those nine months if it is not going to be my child. I could never be comfortable being intimate with her again, knowing that she could be comparing me to Greg.

We have had fights about it. She claims it is because I am against gays, which is not true. I tried presenting the reasons above, but she wouldn't hear it.

I don't want for my marriage to fall apart over this.

-- Frustrated

Dear Frustrated: While I firmly believe in a woman's right to control what she does with her own body, your wife's choice to bear another man's child has a potentially huge impact on your whole family, and she doesn't have a right to do that. I wonder if all of you have thought this through.

Genetically, this baby will be your wife's. What if there are complications, either to her or to the child during the pregnancy or after? Who will pay for her (and the baby's) medical bills? What if your wife doesn't want to give up the child once it is born, or what if she doesn't like the way Greg and his partner are raising the child?

How will all of this be explained to your daughter? How will your marriage survive this?

You must get your wife into a counselor's office to discuss this with the input of a neutral party. You should also contact a lawyer right away to see what your rights and obligations are.

Ummmmmmmmmm, why wouldn't a turkey baster be involved in this process?

Methinks that "Frustrated" has convinced himself that his wife really wants to sleep with her gay friend. The gay friend must be pretty hot.

But yeah, there's a huge problem here if "Frustrated's" wife agreed to do this without talking to her husband first.

I really shouldn't speak ill of the dead, but . . . .

2006-03-06T09:00:00.001-05:00